Thought Theater

George W. Bush's Top Ten Reasons To Stay In Iraq genre: Polispeak & Six Degrees of Speculation & Tongue-In-Cheek

As I read today’s New York Times article on the most recent Bush administration plan for a do-over in Iraq, I found myself wondering if I could think of other events in history that had an equivalent “You’ve got to be kidding me" factor. According to the report, high level officials are working on a plan that envisions a strong U.S. presence in Iraq until at least 2009.

This new strategy focuses upon securing Baghdad in order to provide Iraq’s shaky government the “breathing space they need to try political reconciliation"…an idea that I’m still attempting to comprehend. Does this mean that Iraq’s politicians are afraid to meet with each other because the streets of Baghdad are too threatening? The Times explains the plan as follows:

The plan envisions two phases. The “near-term" goal is to achieve “localized security" in Baghdad and other areas no later than June 2008. It envisions encouraging political accommodations at the local level, including with former insurgents, while pressing Iraq’s leaders to make headway on their program of national reconciliation.

The “intermediate" goal is to stitch together such local arrangements to establish a broader sense of security on a nationwide basis no later than June 2009.

“The coalition, in partnership with the government of Iraq, employs integrated political, security, economic and diplomatic means, to help the people of Iraq achieve sustainable security by the summer of 2009," a summary of the campaign plan states.

I have to hand it to those crafting this new plan…they have mastered the art of doublespeak, nuance, and innuendo…such that it is virtually impossible to understand the actual actions to be executed.

Perhaps the Bush administration has concluded that numbers and catchy names for the latest assault or the next surge have done little more than lead to overwhelming skepticism. I guess if you can devise a plan that defies description or understanding, you cannot be held accountable since it would be impossible to measure its effectiveness.

With that in mind, I decided absurdity was the order of the day. The following is my own list of the top ten reasons George Bush is determined to stay in Iraq.

Number 10:

John McCain would have nothing to talk about on the campaign trail.

Number 9:

What would he do with the 10 billion dollars a month we’re spending on the war?

Number 8:

Dick Cheney would have nothing to do.

Number 7:

Clinton be damned, there is no way he’s turning the presidency over to his successor in the same state he found it.

Number 6:

Osama bin Laden hates his oasis in Pakistan and can’t wait to relocate to beautiful downtown Baghdad.

Number 5:

He’s not quitting until he finds a general that enjoys being his puppet and having GWB’s hand shoved up his behind.

Number 4:

There’s no way he’s leaving Iraq until his daddy admits that junior knows best.

Number 3:

Iraq’s new government needs someone to run the country while they are on vacation.

Number 2:

Until his direct line to god is reconnected, he wouldn’t feel right acting on his own.

Number 1:

The doctors who performed a colonoscopy on the President were unable to locate his head while examining his ass.