Thought Theater

I find it difficult to watch and read any further coverage on the validity or sincerity of Senator Clinton's verklempt moment in a diner in New Hampshire. Frankly, the time and energy being spent on the subject is a testament to the belief that the media is more than willing to manufacture news out of minutiae.

If it isn't the Senator's "tears" or the amount of cleavage her blouse reveals or whether she prefers diamonds or pearls, it's John Edwards $400.00 haircut or any other number of irrelevant items. In the media's never ending effort to drive ratings and attract advertisers, nothing seems to be off limits.

Even worse is the propensity of ill-mannered media pundits to offer their own biased interpretations on the emotions of each candidate...a virulent form of armchair psychoanalysis proffered as if it were not only profoundly perceptive; but with the intent to indelibly influence the impressions of the voting public. Enough already!

Rather than embarking upon a further recitation of critical commentary, I decided I could best express my frustration through a facetious top ten list. With that in mind, I offer the following list to those politicians who feel the need to change the pungent perceptions of the punditocracy.

Top Ten Ways To Convince The Pundits That Your Emotions Are Genuine:

Number Ten:

While on the campaign stump, pull out your guitar and break into the Joan Baez song, “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" and finish by tearfully dedicating the song to the people of New Orleans.

Number Nine:

The next time you attend a funeral, jump into the grave while blathering, “It’s over, bring in the backhoe and bury me now."

Number Eight:

During a college appearance, wipe away tears while announcing you’re opening an on-campus clinic to treat “sauced and lost" souls because you can’t bear the thought of students falling victim to the same allure of whiskey and godless living that befell George Bush. With your voice cracking, tell the crowd that the clinic’s slogan is “Drink Jesus, He’s The Only Spirit You Need".

Number Seven:

During a debate, watch for moments when another candidate tells a touching life story and race from your podium shouting, “You need a hug, you need a big hug."

Number Six:

While riding in your motorcade to your next appearance, have the driver come to a screeching stop as you pass a cemetery…then dash out of the car while yelling, “Uncle Bill, Uncle Bill, I know you’re in here"…turn back and scream to your secret service entourage, “Damn it, help me find my Uncle Bill…we’re not leaving until I pay my respects at his grave."

Number Five:

Instead of a moment of misty-eyed reflection during a meeting with voters in a diner, run out the door in hysterics while screaming, “I want my mommy."

Number Four:

Appear totally disheveled at a press conference and when asked what happened, breakdown while recounting the story of spending the evening trying to convince Britney Spears to put her panties back on and check into rehab.

Number Three:

While giving a speech, the moment you hear a baby cry, dash into the audience and upon reaching the child, turn to the parent and state, “I’m sorry, my maternal instincts just kicked in…is everything alright here?"

Number Two:

Arrange a series of soirées with the upper crust of the MSM complete with free food, all the booze they can drink, and a door prize for everyone that includes a prepaid phone programmed with your home and cell phone numbers.

Number One:

Arrange an audience with Maureen Dowd during which you marvel at her intellect and erudition, you fawn over her humor and wit, and you close by telling her how much you envy her classic beauty.

Bonus Way To Convince Pundits That Your Emotions Are Genuine:

Call Chris Matthews and ask him his favorite color lipstick so you can get it right when you kiss his ass in order to convince him to forego trashing you and your campaign.