Jonah's Tall Tale: John McScissorhands genre: Polispeak & Tongue-In-Cheek

Sometimes the only respite from the partisan protestations and fabrications is humor...and today felt like one of those days, Yes, I realize humor can also be misconstrued through the prism of petty partisanship...which is why I intend to preface this posting with a clear and concise caveat.

The latest blog swarm that caught my attention...and nearly made my head explode...centers on the new Obama campaign ad intended to characterize John McCain as out of touch, and by inference, "out of date". In the ad, the campaign references several citations in which John McCain is quoted to have admitted he's computer illiterate. Included among the several referenced quotations, the Obama camp notes that McCain has also stated that he "can't send an email".

Enter Jonah Goldberg and the lockstep, left-hating blogosphere...intent on creating a controversy (think POW). Take a look at the angle he's spinning.

Yep. The day after 9/11, as part of its "get tough" makeover, the Obama campaign is mocking John McCain for not using a computer, without caring why he doesn't use a computer. From the AP story about the computer illiterate ad:

"Our economy wouldn't survive without the Internet, and cyber-security continues to represent one our most serious national security threats," [Obama spokesman Dan] Pfeiffer said. "It's extraordinary that someone who wants to be our president and our commander in chief doesn't know how to send an e-mail."

Well, I guess it depends on what you mean by "extraordinary." The reason he doesn't send email is that he can't use a keyboard because of the relentless beatings he received from the Viet Cong in service to our country. From the Boston Globe (March 4, 2000):

"McCain gets emotional at the mention of military families needing food stamps or veterans lacking health care. The outrage comes from inside: McCain's severe war injuries prevent him from combing his hair, typing on a keyboard, or tying his shoes. Friends marvel at McCain's encyclopedic knowledge of sports. He's an avid fan - Ted Williams is his hero - but he can't raise his arm above his shoulder to throw a baseball."

Update: Well, now the story is up on Drudge (You heard it here first!). Re: Mark's point about how the supposedly web-savvy Obama campaign can't handle Google, here's another story confirming he has difficulty using a keyboard. Ironically, it's from one of the most pro-Obama journalists out there, Jacob Weisberg, in an article in Slate in 2000:

"Six months ago, no one would have pegged McCain as the most cybersavvy of this year's crop of candidates. At 63, he is the oldest of the bunch and because of his war injuries, he is limited in his ability to wield a keyboard."

Update II: On the other hand: I don't know what to make of this interview with the New York Times. He sounds awfully web savvy in it, which makes the Obama ad sound unfair. And if you read it closely, it sounds like he knows how to surf with a mouse, but doesn't do much by way of typing.

So let's begin with the caveat. I have great sympathy for the injuries suffered by John McCain during his time as a POW. I also think it would be unfair to make fun of those injuries or to use them for political gain. Having said this, there's no doubt in my mind (nor in Jonah's or his buddies if they had the honesty to admit it) that the Obama campaign is pointing to the fact that McCain is out of touch and seemingly disinterested in understanding the world as it now exists.

I know this because the Obama campaign immediately seized upon John McCain's remarks on September 11th...remarks in which he suggested he was "divorced from the day-to-day challenges people have".

Needless to say, Goldberg and his compatriots will stop at nothing to spin the rhetoric they believe advances their candidates chances of victory in November (think POW...again).

OK, now onto the fun...with one additional caveat. The below graphic is aimed at Jonah Goldberg's inane efforts to portray John McCain as incapable of using his hands. Further, nothing in the movie Edward Scissorhands suggested that his odd anatomy was a handicapping condition. My reference to scissorhands is utilized as the means to highlight the absurdity of Goldberg's assertion.

Should there be any doubt as to John McCain's capacity to use his hands, please take a look at this and this and this and this and this. As the Obama man says, that's "enough".

So I decided to have a little fun with a spoof of Jon Lovitz' Saturday Night Live character, Tommy Flanagan, The Pathological Liar. In the following segment, the reader will find that John McScissorhands (Guess who this is?) has just been announced by Jonah Goldberg...from McScissorshand Land...a faraway place (to the right, anyone?)...where cutting and pasting with reckless abandon is a religious experience. Each day, little godbots...dressed the same...canvas "the google", tirelessly looking for glorious gotchas.


And now, a message from the esteemed John McScissorhands from Johan Goldberg's McScissorhands Land.

John McScissorhands:

Hello, my name is John McScissorhands, and I'm a former member of The Straight Talk Express. In fact...I was the president of the organization! Right after I was the conductor...and the engineer...loaded the coal tell the, I used to tell the truth.

Yea, when I was younger, I told the truth. But then one day, I got caught stealing money out of my wife's bank account. I lied. I told her it was for new secretary, vice president, yeah...from Russia. She was a spy...traveled back and forth between Alaska and Russia...on a snow, I mean a dog sled, right before she won the Iditarod...with two broken legs...after being interrogated by the Russians...Yeah, that's how it happened...that's what happened...that's the ticket.

After that, lying was easy for me. I lied about everything...then I joined forces with Karl Rove...peach of a man...I taught him everything he knows...yeah...that's the way it was. I was twenty at the time. Yeah...I went to Vietnam on a secret mission...and I was injured catching a dirty bomb shell in my teeth...before I was captured and held as a POW on a, er..I mean by al Qaeda and the Taliban...did I say POW, Yeah I was a POW...I don't like to talk about it...the part about being a POW, I know, a POW in the Hanoi Ritz Carlton...just east of Tora Bora...bad place, really bad place for a POW to be...tough place for a POW.

And when I got home, they made me a three-star general! And then I got a job in politics, fighting against government corruption as a member of the Keating undercover truth secret branch of the secret it's never been revealed...a really big secret...nearly took a fall for that know...working for a cause bigger than myself...big cause, really big.

Yeah...I was on the take for twenty thousand a ye...month! In fact, I won the Nobel Prize that year! Al Gore hadn't even been born yet. Yeah, that's the ticket. I beat out Nelson Mandela and Mandy Patinkin...yeah, that's the ticket...I won a billion dollars...yeah, that's it...and I gave it all away to a cause, er a charity bigger than me...way bigger...Yeah.

And then my cousin died - Martin Luther King - and I took it hard. Spent years marching in the was all a, a dream...I had a dream, Yeahh, a really big dream. Got lost on a the red hills of Georgia...Georgia...right next to Russia, yeah, that's the ticket. Freedom fighter...became a freedom at last, free at last, God I'm mighty, thank God I'm at last...all of em...yeah, that's what happened.

It was hard...maybe too hard - I tried to kill myself...with my wifes drugs. Yeahh.. I did kill myself...right after saving thousands of children from starvation...Sunni's and Shia's...saved 'em all...didn't care which was which...Sure! But I was medically dead...for a week and a half! It was a woman that brought me out of it - Mother Mary, er Mother Theresa...yea...Theresa! Married the woman after my wife died...fine woman, that Theresa, but she was a lost soul...wasn't sure of her faith...wanted to call it quits...but I got her back on track...yeah, right back on track...the Straight Talk Express actually...named it after Theresa...yeah...that woman was a saint, yeah I was married to a saint...Yeah, that's right....that's how it happened.

And she told me about McScissorhands Land. Oh, you'd be surprised how many famous people belong. In one of the meetings I met my new wife - Cindy Ann...heiser...Busch...she was from Bavaria...her dad was Adolph...os Coors...icus Artrois...her sister was named Stella, yeah...Stella Artrois - fine woman...funny sense of humor...good stuff...but classy.

Cindy's uncle was the president and so was her cousin...Yeah, I'm a changed man now, and all because of McScissorhands Land. Why, I - I even have my picture on the cover of Monthly. Biblical Ideology Monthly, yeah, that's the magazine. Yeah. Every day! On the daily cover...founded the magazine honor Theresa...the saint...that I married. Yeah...that's the ticket! Yeah, you betcha!

Oh...yeah, I wanna be your next president, yeah...that's the ticket.

The End.


Tagged as: 2008 Election, Edward Scissorhands, Humor, John McCain, Jonah Goldberg, Partisan, Politics, Spoof

Daniel DiRito | September 13, 2008 | 3:34 PM
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» Jonah's Tall Tale: John McScissorhands from
Blogswarms, an inevitable offshoot of elections, can try one’s sanity. Rather than lose my mind, I decided to spoof the latest one. My tall tale takes place in Jonah Goldberg’s McScissorhands Land and it features none other than the esteemed John McSci... [Read More]

Tracked on September 13, 2008 5:08 PM

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