Tongue-In-Cheek: April 2006: Archives

April 30, 2006

Big Girl genre: Tongue-In-Cheek

Big girl

Daniel DiRito | April 30, 2006 | 5:56 PM | link | Comments (2)
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Bay Buchannan vs. Kate O'Beirne genre: Snapshot Thoughts & Tongue-In-Cheek

My idea of a Sunday talk show nightmare. Well, at least one of the possibilities.
BayBuchanan & Kate O'Beirne

Daniel DiRito | April 30, 2006 | 10:25 AM | link | Comments (1)
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April 29, 2006

Daily Show: Gay Marriage genre: Gaylingual & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Daniel DiRito | April 29, 2006 | 2:34 PM | link | Comments (0)
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April 28, 2006

Bill Maher: "War On Christians?" genre: Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Daniel DiRito | April 28, 2006 | 9:45 AM | link | Comments (0)
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April 27, 2006

'Twas The Night Before Fitzmas? genre: Polispeak & Rhyme-N-Reason & Tongue-In-Cheek

‘Twas the night before Fitzmas, and all through D.C.
The Senate stood empty, just waiting to see.
The Grand Jury listened to Fitz with much care,
He hoped that the votes all would be there.

Ken Mehlman and Rover all snug in their beds,
While visions of November danced in their heads,
And Dick in his bunker, as “W" did sip,
A drink from the flask he poured through his lips.

When out at the Post arose such a clatter,
They sprung from their cubes to see what was the matter.
Away to the phones they flew like a flash,
Called up their sources who asked for some cash.

The Times of New York had the lights all aglow,
As they savored the scuttle they knew soon would flow.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a signature sheet with twelve names written so clear.

With Old Crow in his throat, George W then spits,
He knew in an instant it must be the Fitz.
More rapid he guzzled, his Party might lose,
So he bristled and shouted while chugging his booze.

Now Karl! First Libby!
Damn Fitz you vixen!
Lost Browny then Scotty!
Who else are you fixin’
To topple from power!
We’re takin’ a lickin!
Now damn Fitzy, damn you!
Damn you this hour!

If not for those levees and Katrina’s wrath,
Dear God, why all these obstacles, who chose her path?
You live in the big house, but the White House is blue,
What else can go wrong, will Dick Cheney go too?

And then in a tantrum, he ran to the roof,
The stomping and kicking of each little hoof.
As he pulled out his hair and was turning around,
Up through the hatch big Barbara came with a bound.

In blue robe with white dots, from her head to her toes,
Yes her clothes were old fashioned, but everyone knows.
A bag of buckshot she held in her hand,
Then she told him that Karl could not take the stand.

His jaw how it twitched, his chin to and fro,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose white from blow!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
She pulled on his ear…you’re back on the snow!
The shaft of a pen he held tight in his fist,
And the smoke it encircled, man was he pissed.
He made a mad face, then reached for the lead,
He shook it and scowled, I wish he were dead.

Righteous and pompous, a nasty old soul,
She slapped him and said, pull Cheney from the hole.
A wink of his eye and a grin on his face,
Soon Fitz he would show that he should stay in his place.

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And filled all the shotguns, then turned with a jerk,
And with shaking fingers, he dialed the phone,
Dick Cheney I need you, he said with a groan.

Dick called for his chopper, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,

Happy Fitzmas to all and we’ll get him tonight!

Daniel DiRito | April 27, 2006 | 9:23 PM | link | Comments (0)
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The War On Obscenity: "Project Vegga-Ban" genre: Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek

Rep. Ralph Davenport [R]

A South Carolina Republican is proposing legislation to ban the sale of devices that can be used for sexual stimulation. Digby has comments here, and the full article can be found here.

An unnamed source with Rep. Davenport's office has told Thought Theater that this piece of legislation is simply the tip (woops...my bad) of the iceberg. Davenport believes that in addition to the items found in these adult oriented stores, there is also a larger and more pervasive nationwide vegetable sex cult. The source indicates that a larger plan to attack this widespread obscene activity is in the works. The initiative is tentatively being called "Project Vegga-Ban".

The ambitious project seeks to completely eradicate all inappropriately shaped vegetables. The program will not stop with phallic shaped vegetables...melons, tomatoes and other such lewd and offensive shapes will not be tolerated. When Thought Theater pressed the source for enforcement details, we were told that Representative Davenport felt the first step would logically be to ban such vegetables from grocery stores.

When asked about plans to monitor large scale farming operations and backyard gardening, the source indicated the intention to place the Project under the oversight of the Drug Enforcement Agency. Davenport believes the Department's experience in illicit drug crop eradication will allow Project Vegga-Ban to quickly mobilize. The source admitted that it will be complicated to monitor the home gardener given the difficulty in confiscating the large supply of vegetable seeds. Few other details were made available.

Some excerpts from the article:

COLUMBIA — Lucy’s Love Shop employee Wanda Gillespie said she was flabbergasted that South Carolina’s Legislature is considering outlawing sex toys.

But banning the sale of sex toys is actually quite common in some Southern states.

The South Carolina bill, proposed by Republican Rep. Ralph Davenport, would make it a felony to sell devices used primarily for sexual stimulation and allow law enforcement to seize sex toys from raided businesses.

Rep. Davenport, who is from Spartanburg County, did not return several messages Friday to talk about his bill, which was introduced last month. No other legislator has signed on as a co-sponsor and its passage this year seems unlikely.

Daniel DiRito | April 27, 2006 | 11:54 AM | link | Comments (0)
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Name Dropping: What A Drag genre: Gaylingual & Tongue-In-Cheek

It's common knowledge that a drag queens name may be as important as the rhinestone regalia he/she wears. The conventional approach (although I would say that it's more urban legend than actual fact) is to take the name of your first pet and add it to your mother's maiden name and voila...you have your drag name. Chances are you won't like the name if you try it...of course that's only if you were inclined to have a drag name. As with Seinfeld speak...not that there's anything wrong with that.

I ran across an interesting article that indicates that there is an art to name selection and to become an actual namer is no easy task. The study of names is an adjunct to the study of linguistics and dialects and given the attached humor it seems to get the lion's share of the attention. The article is from the San Francisco Chronicle (duh!) and I've included some interesting excerpts below. Following the article segments (full article here) I decided I would do a fun little exercise in naming. I chose food as the theme, meaning all the names had to be about food. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

"My drag queen name, for the record," said Professor Ronald C. Butters of Duke University, speaking between academic paper presentations in a beige room on the second floor of the Oakland Marriott, "is Coco Butters."

The room tittered appreciatively. If any crowd of buttoned-up academics could enjoy a good drag queen name, this was it. Butters was presiding over a recent panel on "Queer Names of Stage, Screen and Fiction" at the American Names Society conference, held in conjunction with the Linguistic Society of America, the American Dialect Society and three other groups. The conference, held in early January, drew people from all over the country and the world, and, in addition to official business (the Linguistic Society's vote on "Word of the Year," for instance), there were three days of overlapping panels and paper presentations.

The subjects covered by American Name Society, though, stood out in a sea of obscure papers on obscure topics. Perhaps the broader appeal of its work has to do with the universal nature of its mission statement; the society, founded in 1951, "seeks to find out what really is in a name."

Who knew that although drag queens usually employ sexual innuendo or humor in their stage names, it is strikingly uncommon for male gay porn stars to do so? Apparently, bland names are perceived to be more attractive.

Unsurprisingly, many drag queens chose honorifics such as Lady and Miss and upwardly mobile names like Xaviar Onassis Bloomingdale or, less frequently, overtly lower-class monikers such as Winnie Baygo or Mary K. Mart. Ethnic stereotypes got some play too, with China Silk and Bang Bang Ledesh.

How does one become a namer? Members of the American Name Society enter the world of naming from many directions.

Ed Lawson, a professor emeritus at SUNY Fredonia and former president of the American Name Society, was a psychologist who studied stereotypes before focusing on names. In one study, he selected a group of young women with "ethnically nonspecific faces" and gave them three ethnically distinctive names for three groups of subjects. Sure enough, Lawson found that people's impressions were colored by the perceived culture of the names. "The Jewish girls were labeled smart, the Italian girls were seen as passionate, and so on, " Lawson said.

When asked about the persistent Internet meme about how to choose a porn star name (some combination of first pet's name or mother's maiden name or your middle name with the street name of your first address), Zwicky laughed. "No, I didn't see any evidence of those games at play in my study. I, for one, couldn't get a good porn name from that. My first dog's name was Spot."

But as Zwicky noted in his presentation, he has no data on what, if any, impact a name has on a porn career.

A name isn't a porn star's most salient feature.

So here's my list of food related drag names...some I found online and some came to me as I was laughing my ass off. Remember, don't be afraid to add your own in the comments section.

Hedda Lettuce (everyone worth their weight in drag queen sparkle salts has heard this one)

Holly de Seuss (that's hollandaise sauce for the linguistically challenged)

Condi Mentz (can't help you here...if you don't get this one...well its time for remedial drag queen naming school)

Sue Flay (see they get easier)

Brie Cheese (it works but would any respectable drag queen use it...I think not)

Marsha Mallow (Marsha Brady with a few extra pounds)

Eda Bagel (I actually found this one online...and it's in use)

Reese Aroni (Yep, the San Francisco treat)

Virginia Hamm (I found this one also...too obvious for my "taste")

OK, your turn...I've gotta get something to eat.

Daniel DiRito | April 27, 2006 | 7:16 AM | link | Comments (8)
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April 25, 2006

Ali G: Youth In Asia genre: Do Not Resuscitate & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Daniel DiRito | April 25, 2006 | 8:36 PM | link | Comments (0)
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The Tony Snow Job Show genre: Polispeak & Tongue-In-Cheek

Tony Snow Job Show

Amid rampant speculation, it is rumored that Fox News and the Bush administration will be collaborating on a new program direct from the White House. An unnamed Fox source has confirmed the speculation and has provided some further information to Thought Theater. Bucking the trend towards reality based programming; the show is expected to be loosely based upon the selective facts surrounding the internal workings of the President and his policy operatives. The source went on to say that the program will have a superficial talk show - game show format where reporters will be allowed to ask questions and then each member of the White House Press Corp will use a hand-held device to vote on whether they believe the answers that are provided by Tony. Once the question and answer session is completed, the reporter with the most correct votes will enter a soundproof booth with Helen Thomas.

Helen will be wired with a microphone. Tony will then turn on Helen's mic and allow her to ask a question. Once the question has been asked, the Press Corp votes again on whether the question should be allowed or whether the winning reporter in the sound booth should bitch slap Helen and end her questioning. The unnamed source, when pressed, refused to acknowledge that the tabulation system had been provided by Diebold. At that point Brit Hume's voice was overheard in the background calling for security. The phone then went silent. Efforts to contact Juan the source have since failed.

Daniel DiRito | April 25, 2006 | 2:07 PM | link | Comments (0)
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Rant: 1,000, 24,000, That's A Lotta Minutes genre: Rhyme-N-Reason & Tongue-In-Cheek

George Bush has 1,000 days left in his Presidency. That is 24,000 hours. When I pondered this information, it made me think about the play Rent...so needless to say...since I like playing with words, I decided to play with the lyrics to Seasons Of Love and call my little ditty, Rant - Season To Vote.

Rant - Season To Vote

One thousand, twenty-four thousand
That’s a lotta minutes
One thousand, twenty-four thousand
Moments we fear,
One thousand, twenty-four thousand
That’s a lotta minutes
How do you measure - measure your fear?

In Iraq - in Sudan
In Tehran - There’s al-Zarqawi
In Kabul - No smiles
Disasters - The bomb

In - one thousand, twenty-four thousand
That’s a lotta minutes
How do you measure?
The life that is gone?

How about wrong?
How about wrong?
How about wrong?
Men who are gone

Reasons are wrong
Reasons are wrong

One thousand, twenty-four thousand
That’s a lotta minutes
One thousand, twenty-four thousand
Gurneys of men

One thousand, twenty four thousand
That’s a lotta minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a soldier or a man?

In truths that we learned
Or in tears that we cried
In bridges he burned,
By the way that he lied

It’s time now - To speak out
Or this war never ends
It’s not too late
November this year is time for an end

Remember my friends
Remember my friends
Victory descends!

Oh you got to remember my friends! remember my friends,
You measure in votes, know that a vote is what needs to be wrote, Season to vote
Please vote, just vote, must vote. Danger, danger time that you vote

Ohhh!!!
Season to vote........
Danger, time that you vote

Daniel DiRito | April 25, 2006 | 1:32 PM | link | Comments (0)
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April 21, 2006

Thought Theater's Heckler Handbook genre: Tongue-In-Cheek

Yesterday, while speaking outdoors at the White House, Chinese President Hu Jintao was heckled. Try as I might, I have been unable to find a guide book for the proper etiquette of a heckler. I decided I would come up with my own list of the do’s and don’ts of heckling. I've also provided some novel suggestions.

Don'ts:

1. When you determine it is time to begin heckling, do not raise your hand in hopes of being called upon.

2. Do not begin your heckling with, “sir, excuse me…may I say something?"

3. Do not ask security for a copy of the speech so you can find a point in the speech to cue your heckling.

4. Unlike with the exit row in an airplane, do not ask those seated next to you if they feel comfortable with their role of being seated next to the heckler.

5. Do not ask those seated at either end of the aisle if they mind tripping security when they race to remove you from the room.

6. If asked for your press credentials at the door, do not say, “Oh, I’m just here to heckle."

Do’s:

1. You must yell and screech in a shrill and inaudible voice…otherwise your incoherent message may be understood.

2. Check with all the cameramen in the room to assure they have had time to get a preliminary focus for your seat…your time will be limited and you don’t want to miss out on a good photo-op.

3. Provide your credentials and a brief synopsis of your rant to the press in advance so you will not be misquoted.

4. You must appear outraged and emotional…if you are having trouble getting prepared, ask the person seated next to you to administer several bitch slaps.

5. Once captured, continue to yell but be sure to look back at the person you are yelling at…it’s rude to avoid eye contact.

6. Whenever possible, speak in a foreign language…it heightens the curiosity of the media.

Novel suggestions:

1. Once you stand up to heckle, do not remain in the same spot…begin running immediately to avoid quick capture…this will assure more of your message will be delivered.

2. Try interesting disguises…Groucho Marx is always a crowd pleaser. A good second choice is a troll doll wig.

Groucho disguise

Troll wig option

3. If at all possible, hold and kiss a baby in the audience…you want to seem likable.

4. Throw in a couple good jokes…you want your audience to connect with you.

5. Shake as many hands as possible as you are being rushed from the room.

6. If Joe Lieberman has an aisle seat, kiss him as security pulls you out of the room.

Daniel DiRito | April 21, 2006 | 9:12 AM | link | Comments (0)
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April 20, 2006

What Would Bill Buckley Say? genre: Tongue-In-Cheek

What Would Bill Buckley Say? is a recurring posting here at Thought Theater. The intention of the category "Tongue-In-Cheek" is to provide some comical thoughts that might elicit a laugh or two. I've always found listening to William F. Buckley speak fascinating. Much of what he says, for me, walks the fine line between intellectual genius and laugh out loud temerity. Given the breadth of his intellect, I've often wondered how often he's made comments simply for the sporting value they might afford. Regardless, this category will attempt to mimic his expansive use of language to satirize current news and events.

This entry is intended to satirize the President's difficulties surrounding the handling of the war in Iraq.

The question:

What would Bill Buckley say about the apparent inability of President Bush to acknowledge mistakes made in the execution of the war in Iraq and his unwillingness to move forward with evaluating alternative plans?

The answer:

The President, while seemingly embrangled in a sempiternal belligerency, appears to be ensnared by the conflation of narcissistic ideation and a religiose neocolonialist predisposition.

Daniel DiRito | April 20, 2006 | 8:55 AM | link
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April 15, 2006

WWF Cage Match: USA vs. Iran genre: Tongue-In-Cheek

WWF Cage Match Extraordinaire:
George "Big W" Bush vs. Mahmoud "Mad Dog" Ahmadinejad

WWF has just announced the Cage Match of the century...a no-holds-barred holy war smack-down. The combatants are two loose cannons who have each been pile-driven one time too often.

It's a winner take all grudge match. The stakes are high. Each man is allowed three conventional weapons and there will be one WMD perched atop a 30 foot pole that can only be used if the match exceeds 15 rounds. The winner will assume his rightful position as either "God's Right Hand Man" or "Allah's Main Mullah."

Yes, you heard that right...it doesn't get any better than this...it's none other than George "Big W" Bush against that up and coming scrapper Mahmoud "Mad Dog" Ahmadinejad. Tickets go on sale Easter Sunday. Not available on pay-per-view. Seating is limited and United Nations Security Council nations will have first choice on floor seating.

Don't miss this one...when it's over there will finally be one nation under God...or Allah.

Daniel DiRito | April 15, 2006 | 8:44 PM | link | Comments (0)
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April 14, 2006

Mad TV: "Just For Lesbians" Hair Salon genre: Gaylingual & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Daniel DiRito | April 14, 2006 | 8:45 AM | link | Comments (0)
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April 10, 2006

Football Buddies: Mad TV Video genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Daniel DiRito | April 10, 2006 | 10:35 PM | link | Comments (0)
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April 7, 2006

Oy Vey Day genre: He Said, She Said & Tongue-In-Cheek

Oy Vey Day is a recurring posting here at Thought Theater. It's strictly lighthearted and meant to bring a smile or a chuckle. Strange as it may seem, even though I grew up in an Italian American Catholic home, I've...

Daniel DiRito | April 7, 2006 | 9:01 AM | link | Comments (0)
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April 4, 2006

The Razor Blade Conspiracy genre: Tongue-In-Cheek

Call me a conspiracy theorist...but am I alone in the belief that each time they add an additional blade to a razor system, they notch the blades in the older versions so that it tears your face off and...

Daniel DiRito | April 4, 2006 | 4:24 PM | link | Comments (1)
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Tribute To Tom DeLay genre: Tongue-In-Cheek

I'm guessing most everyone has heard the expression, "It takes a big man to cry". A while back I stumbled upon an irreverent derivation that made me laugh. Sometimes the simplest things are the funniest. Given that Tom DeLay is...

Daniel DiRito | April 4, 2006 | 8:35 AM | link | Comments (0)
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