Tongue-In-Cheek: June 2008: Archives

June 27, 2008

Craig & Vitter Take "New Stance" To Affirm Marriage genre: Gaylingual & Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek

Apparently the best medicine for wing nuts who put their putters where they don't belong is to sponsor a constitutional amendment to protect marriage...since it's clear they didn't value the ones they were in.

Page One Q reports that Larry Craig, the wide stance toilet stall tap dancer, and David Vitter, the Christian commissar of clandestine call girl get-togethers, have joined together with other stalwart senators (not in a bathroom stall, mind you) to introduce the measure.

From Page One Q:

Two United States Senators implicated in extramarital sexual activity have named themselves as co-sponsors of S. J. RES. 43, dubbed the Marriage Protection Amendment. If ratified, the bill would amend the United States Constitution to state that marriage "shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman."

Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID), who was arrested June 11, 2007 on charges of lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport terminal, is co-sponsoring the amendment along with Sen. David Vitter (R-LA).

I'm baffled by the logic these two senators are employing in putting their sullied signatures on an amendment designed to protect marriage from the homos. I just don't get how defining marriage to be between one man and one woman is going to help when these two and so many others already have major problems keeping count.

You see, for years, many of the marriages...between one man and one woman...have ended because one of the parties messed with the math...and the secretary, and the hooker, and the intern, and the guy in the next bathroom stall...if you know what I mean.

As I've tried to get my head around the benefits of Craig and Vitter sponsoring this amendment, I could only come up with one plausible explanation. They know that all you have to do to win the favor of the rabidly anti-gay constituents they represent is to keep feeding them the red meat they thrive upon. In other words, to hell with hypocrisy...the gays are coming...and we can't have that.

Rather than spend any more time attempting to understand the minds of these men or the constituents who support them, I think the following graphic will suffice.

CraigAndVitter.jpg

Tagged as: Adultery, David Vitter, Humor, Hypocrisy, Larry Craig, Marriage, Marriage Amendment, Same-Sex Marriage, U.S. Constitution

Daniel DiRito | June 27, 2008 | 10:41 PM | link | Comments (0)
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June 24, 2008

The Onion: "Supremes" Think Death Penalty Is Totally Badass genre: Do Not Resuscitate & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

The Supreme Court recently took up the question of whether lethal injection was an acceptable means of enforcing the death penalty. In the following video, The Onion has a little fun with the topic.

Suffice it to say that this Onion segment suggests that the Supreme Court is made up of some "totally badass" justices.

NOTE: The video contains some language that may not be suitable for children or the office.

Tagged as: Anthony Kennedy, Comedy, Death Penalty, Ginsberg, Humor, John Roberts, Lethal Injection, Sam Alito, Scalia, Supreme Court, The Onion

Daniel DiRito | June 24, 2008 | 5:10 PM | link | Comments (0)
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June 19, 2008

Has Mo Rocca Found The Michelle Obama "Whitey" Tape? genre: Polispeak & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

What can I say? Just when I thought Mo Rocca had lost his comic mojo, he posts this "Do Not Drink Coffee While Watching" video. This is one of Mo Rocca's best offerings on the underbelly of the 2008 election.

If you're not familiar with brouhaha over the alleged Michelle Obama "Whitey" tape, the short story is that there's been a concerted effort on the internet suggesting that there is a video of Michelle Obama repeatedly using the derisive term. Of course, the primary source of this accusation has admitted that he's never actually seen the tape.

I don't know if a real tape will ever surface but this tongue-in-cheek version is priceless...and it also serves to question the veracity of those who continue to feed the rumor despite a complete lack of evidence.

Tagged as: 2008 Election, Barack Obama, Humor, Michelle Obama, Mo Rocca, Whitey

Daniel DiRito | June 19, 2008 | 10:49 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 18, 2008

The Colbert Report: Ken Miller On Intelligent Design Advocates genre: Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek

Stephen Colbert speaks with Kenneth Miller on the subject of evolution and the efforts of creationists to adapt their strategies to have intelligent design taught in science classes as a plausible alternative. As Miller notes, while creationists lack any scientific evidence to support their theories (or their dislike of evolution), they are adept at crafting rhetoric, relabeling, and devising campaigns to sway public opinion.

All too often, the creationists have the scientific community on the defensive...from a public relations perspective. They're able to do this because a large portion of the American public is looking for reasons to reject evolution and embrace intelligent design. Hence, any gap in the extensive data supporting evolution is emphasized by the creationists and a sympathetic public frequently adopts the talking points and propagates them.

Were the creationists required to substantiate their beliefs beyond a citation from the Bible, they would fail miserably. In fact, the bulk of the science they have put forth has been debunked and dismantled by the scientific community. Unfortunately, the Bible is often sufficient evidence for a large portion of the voting public, which places the onus on evolutionists to fill each and every gap in the fossil record as well as defend against each new argument launched by the creationists.

In truth, those supporting a Biblical interpretation of the origin of the universe must contend with countless contradictions. I want to look at one of these inconsistencies. Many Biblical literalists believe the earth is approximately 6,000 years old. They also believe that man and dinosaurs walked the earth together since they believe that God created each living creature in it's current form at the moment of creation.

That brings me to the story of Noah's Arc. While no certain or verifiable date has been placed upon the great flood and the building of the arc, the prevailing opinions suggest it would have occurred over 4,000 years ago. Since creationists reject than humans underwent any evolutionary progression, one can assume that dinosaurs walked the earth when Noah built his arc. In fact, the Creationist Museum contends that dinosaurs were present on the arc.

OK, I don't know about anyone else, but I think the notion that dinosaurs were present on the arc is beyond any standard of rationality...and I say as much only after allowing for the existence of Noah's Arc for the sake of making this argument. There isn't a single scintilla of evidence supporting the presence of dinosaurs at the alleged time of Noah's Arc...and yet it is a fundamental belief of many of the creationists who are arguing that intelligent design should be part of a science curriculum.

Rather than recite the volumes of scientific evidence that demonstrate the absurdity of this creationist belief, I've included a tongue-in-cheek graphic that can be found below the Ken Miller video clip. I think the graphic successfully serves to dramatize the events I imagine would have taken place on Noah's Arc had it actually housed dinosaurs. Then again, I'm sure a card carrying creationist would be happy to prove me wrong by citing and interpreting a few verses from the quintessential scientific journal...the Bible.

Creationist Bible Study - Noah's Arc Revisited

Noah'sArc.jpg

Tagged as: Bible, Carbon Dating, Creationism, Dinosaurs, Fossil Record, Humor, Intelligent Design, Kenneth Miller, Noah's Arc, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

Daniel DiRito | June 18, 2008 | 10:43 AM | link | Comments (3)
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The Daily Show: On Gay Marriage In California genre: Gaylingual & Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek

You had to know The Daily Show would cover the start of same-sex marriage in California. Jon Stewart starts off by noting that California still exists...and then he wonders why God is taking it out on the Midwest. Of course that's a reference to the many times religious blow hards have suggested that natural disasters were God's punishment for the actions of gays.

Stewart also has a little fun at the expense of those who feel that marriage can only be between a man and a woman...pointing out how important his mothers ovaries and his fathers testicles were to his own wholesome upbringing.

I especially like the segment where Stewart "worries" about those children who are raised by two mothers. Before you think badly of Stewart, keep in mind that he's simply voicing his concerns for any child with two Jewish mothers (Oy vey, the guilt!).

Tagged as: California, Gay, Humor, Jon Stewart, LGBT, Same-Sex Marriage, Supreme Court, The Daily Show

Daniel DiRito | June 18, 2008 | 9:09 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 17, 2008

2:30 Report: A Look At Late Night Christian Programs genre: Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek

The 2:30 Report was a former segment on the Australian television program, The Chaser's Report On Everything. In the following video clip, they look at religious programs on late night television.

What I like about this clip is the fact that they shine a bright light on the absurdity found on many of these programs as well as the persistence to separate the viewer from large sums of his or her hard earned cash.

In fact, one of televangelists featured is so shameless that he promises the viewer a "harvest" if they will just donate some "seed" money...and then he asks that a curse be upon him if he's using his ministry for personal gain.

However, my favorite part of this video comes near the end. After showing clips of well-known television preacher Benny Hinn, in the process of healing those who are in attendance at his service, the hosts of the show are shown performing their own version of healing. Let's just say their approach is as likely to cause injury as it is to effect a cure.

Tagged as: Charity, Evangelists, Healing, Humor, Religion, Televangelists, Television

Daniel DiRito | June 17, 2008 | 6:33 PM | link | Comments (1)
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Is Your Child Really A Pagan? Take The Test Here genre: Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek

WiccanChicken.jpg

I just love Christian websites. They provide so much inspiration...for tongue-in-cheek sarcasm. I think I hit the mother lode today. The following questionnaire is intended as a tool for parents to insure that their children haven't become pagans or begun to stray from true Christian doctrine.

After all, Satan and his minions are constantly on the prowl for vulnerable and impressionable Christians. Should there be any doubt, one can simply take a look at all of the twisted and tortured Christian pastors and politicians who have been caught in compromising situations.

I've taken the opportunity to provide my own irreverent answers to these "important" questions. While my answers dramatically deviate from those provided on the site of origin, they might actually make you grin. Whether that makes you a pagan is open to debate.

Is Your Christian Child Really a Pagan?

20 Questions to Reveal the Truth

Many of today's youth grow up in Christian churches, but are adopting very un-Christian beliefs. When we all stand before Him, will their names be found in the Lamb's Book of Life? Maybe it's time to re- check the status of your child's faith by asking these basic Christian doctrinal questions. Answer yes or no.

1. Must a person believe in Jesus, and Him alone, to spend eternity with God?

Yes, and the lodging fees must be paid in advance...MASTER CARD, VISA, & DISCOVER are accepted.

2. Do Native Americans, witches, and Muslims pray to the same God as Christians?

No, they've chosen a false god in order to offend and annoy the crap out of the really, really holy people.

3. Do all people go to heaven to be with God after they die?

No, some people actually go to heaven for the free food and drinks.

4. Do good people who have done their best on earth go to heaven?

Only if they failed to RSVP to their invitation to the biggest and best afterlife bash - Satan's Semi-Annual Sinners Soiree.

5. Can proud, practicing homosexuals be Christians?

While it's possible, it will hurt your homo street cred and it will certainly result in an asterisk being placed on your gay card and in your homosexual registration file.

6. Can people who have committed serious sins be truly saved by Jesus?

Yes, but if you're clever you may be able to avoid capture by the Jesus police and the subsequent mandatory enrollment in a rigorous reprogramming retreat.

7. Will there be a judgment for our sins after we die?

Yes, but I've heard that the devil offers pro-bono representation to minimize the penalties.

8. Was tolerance the greatest message of Jesus?

Yes, but that antiquated philosophy was soon replaced by a fire and brimstone message specifically designed to raise more cash.

9. Are homophobia, patriarchy and lack of reverence for the earth revealed to be sins in the Bible?

Absolutely not, God is a bigoted misogynist who owns a major share of all the leading carbon producing industries.

10. Is the Bible the Word of God?

It is now, but only because the original version, an epic opera, was destroyed in a massive fire started by a rival pagan musical troop.

11. Was Jesus present in the Old Testament?

He was, but he was dressed up as a woman who worked incognito at the Latin named precursor to Hooters - The AmplusPectus.

12. Will Christians make the world a great place before Jesus returns?

Yes, of course. After all they've hired all the best gay party planners, designers and interior decorators to spruce it up for his huge welcome back party.

13. Are all people the children of God?

Yes, but God doesn't like to talk about his numerous sexual escapades.

14. Is the best way to encounter God meditating and repeating a certain spiritual phrase over and over?

It totally depends on the phrase. The use of "Take me now God" is strictly prohibited. The preferred phrase would be "Dude, I don't have all day!"

15. Are Satan and demons real?

Yes, and they are rumored to be negotiating to form an evil alliance with fairies, witches, Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, unicorns, and stuffed animals.

16. Are all powerful, beautiful spiritual experiences from God?

Absolutely not, only those induced by naturally occurring hallucinogens are from God.

17. Can a true believer pray to Jesus or God in female form, such as a goddess?

Oh my Mary, of course not! Women were only created to allow for the virgin birth of Jesus...and to serve their slovenly men.

18. Should Christians participate in services for Allah?

Only those who have received the proper credentials to work undercover for the GBI (God's Bureau of Investigation) may participate in such services. Protocol does require that they carry a rosary.

19. Would a true Christian believe in reincarnation?

Only if they have first mastered the art of exorcism and can prove that they are fluent in the speaking of tongues. Of course one can only be reincarnated as a human of the same gender since cross-gender reincarnation can result in harmful homosexual tendencies.

20. Did God create the world rather than it happening by chance?

That's a tough question. What happened is that God was playing a game of chance (poker) with the devil and when he didn't have the cash to pay up, Satan settled for the idea of God creating a devil's playground for him to enjoy.

Tagged as: Bible, Christianity, Demons, Devil, Faith, God, Heaven, Homosexuality, Humor, Islam, Jesus, LGBT, Muslim, Paganism, Reincarnation, Religion, Sarcasm, Satan

Daniel DiRito | June 17, 2008 | 11:27 AM | link | Comments (1)
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June 14, 2008

Right Wing Ralphie: Fighting For The Unmarried Status Of Gays genre: Gaylingual & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Sometimes the most effective means to combat the flawed argument of one's opposition is to make their argument for them...in order to highlight just how absurd it is. In the following video, "Right Wing Ralphie" offers to help unsuspecting gays protect their separate quasi-marriage status from those who would grant them parity.

The video is from cartoonist Mark Fiore, and it does a good job tackling the recent Supreme Court ruling in California and the rhetoric of those supporting the upcoming ballot initiative aimed at overruling the court and preventing same-sex marriage.

Tagged as: Ballot Initiative, California, Cartoon, LGBT, Religion, Right Wing, Same-Sex Marriage, Supreme Court

Daniel DiRito | June 14, 2008 | 8:04 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 12, 2008

Matt Barber: Unmasking The Brokeback Mountain Opera Agenda? genre: Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek

OperaMask.jpg

Nothing remotely gay is immune from the attacks of the rabid right. With each and every event that has a connection to homosexuality, the wing nuts launch into their tirade that the "militant homosexual agenda" is alive and well...and determined to ruin wholesome American families (the one's filled with bigots, that is).

This latest assualt focuses upon the announcement that the New York City Opera is planning to offer an adaptation of the acclaimed movie, Brokeback Mountain.

From Reuters:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - New York City Opera has commissioned American composer Charles Wuorinen to write an opera based on "Brokeback Mountain," a love story about two U.S. ranch-hands that won three Oscars when it was turned into a movie.

"Ever since encountering Annie Proulx's extraordinary story I have wanted to make an opera on it, and it gives me great joy that Gerard Mortier and New York City Opera have given me the opportunity to do so," Wuorinen, 70, said in a statement.

Never mind that the story line has all the makings of a classic operatic tragedy...according to Matt Barber of Concerned Women for America (CWFA), this is clearly an attempt at cultural engineering.

From OneNewsNow:

"Certainly it's an indication that they will use every and any possible vehicle or venue to try to further this radical and dangerous agenda," Barber explains.

Barber finds a bit of humor in the sheer absurdity of the idea, yet he hopes the opera, like the homosexual lifestyle, will be a tragedy.

"To turn Brokeback Mountain into an opera is really kind of comical on its face. I hope it's a tragedy because it is a tragedy that the media has so embraced this immoral and dangerous lifestyle and is further celebrating this lifestyle in public now in the form of an opera," Barber says.

Barber warns patrons not to fall prey to the musical interpretation of the controversial film. "I would hope that people would not contribute to this propaganda by attending this opera. This is not entertainment. This is propaganda wrapped in an entertainment package -- and, in this case, in the form of an opera," Barber contends.

Duh! Mr. Barber, could it be that they are adapting Brokeback Mountain BECAUSE it is a tragedy?! Nah, that wouldn't be sinister enough. This has to be another one of those propaganda operas...because so many of them are just that.

What with Madam Butterfly's ghastly endorsement of right-to-die legislation and Pagliacci's espousal of the horrific practice of honor killing, Barber is simply asking us to be mindful of the dangers of clandestine operatic indoctrination. After all, we simply can't take the risk that an unsuspecting heterosexual would attend the Brokeback Mountain opera only to discover the allure of homosexuality.

Then again, perhaps Mr. Barber and his friends can attend the performance wearing masks...I hear that's always an effective tool for the closeted opera queer who insists upon maintaining his or her anonymity.

Tagged as: Annie Proulx, Brokeback Mountain, Charles Wuorinen, Concerned Women For America, CWFA, Gay, Gerard Mortier, LGBT, Madam Butterfly, Matt Barber, New York, Opera, Pagliacci, Religion, Religious Right

Daniel DiRito | June 12, 2008 | 1:03 PM | link | Comments (0)
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June 8, 2008

Bill Maher: Religulous Movie Trailer genre: Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek

The following video is the trailer for Bill Maher's new documentary, Religulous. Anyone who has watched Maher over the years will know that he isn't a religious person and he has a penchant for poking fun at those who are.

I would expect that this documentary wil have all the elements that make Bill Maher one of my favorite comics...wit, sarcasm, and an abundance of irreverence. The film is scheduled for release in early October. I know it will be on my must see list.

Tagged as: Bill Maher, Comedy, Faith, God, Humor, Religion, Religulous

Daniel DiRito | June 8, 2008 | 10:36 AM | link | Comments (4)
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June 7, 2008

Mad TV: Sluts & The City genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Now that the Sex & The City movie is in theaters, I thought it would be fun to revisit Mad TV's treatment of the HBO hit. The title of the skit should serve as fair warning of what you can expect from this spoof. While this is one of the racier skits the Fox Network program has aired, it's also pretty funny.

Tagged as: Comedy, HBO, Humor, Mad TV, Sex & The City

Daniel DiRito | June 7, 2008 | 10:26 AM | link | Comments (4)
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June 6, 2008

The Daily Show: Kristen Schaal Takes On Media Sexism genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

In the following video, Kristen Schaal points out the many instances of sexism that was directed towards Hillary Clinton. My favorite moment is when Kristen asks, "Who is that guy?" following right wing loon Laura Ingram's comment that we can't have a president who breaks down and cries. I guess she's never seen the many times George Bush has done the same.

I also like her extrapolation on the Tucker Carlson remark in which he infers that he involuntarily crossing his legs whenever he hears Senator Clinton speak. I'm not sure Tucker has anything to worry about. After all, one would first have to have a pair to worry about losing them.

Tagged as: Comedy, Hillary Clinton, Humor, Jon Stewart, Kristen Schaal, Laura Ingram, Media Bias, Misogyny, Sexism, The Daily SHow, Tucker Carlson

Daniel DiRito | June 6, 2008 | 11:31 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 3, 2008

Craig Ferguson Spoofs Sex & The City genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

I've yet to see the new Sex & The CIty movie though I've seen the trailer numerous times on network television. Last night, Craig Ferguson offered the following spoof of the trailer...and I have to say that I'm still laughing.

Ferguson has made a name for himself on late night television by playing a variety of characters. When he first entered the late night talk show scene, I wasn't sure if I liked him...but over time I've become a fan.

I especially like his irreverent treatment of the British Royal Family. His Prince Charles segment is one of my favorites. I've included one of those videos below as well.

Sex & The City Spoof

Prince Charles In LA - Keeping It Royal

Tagged as: Craig Ferguson, Humor, Kim Cattrall, Late Late Show, Prince Charles, Samantha, Sex & The City

Daniel DiRito | June 3, 2008 | 11:46 AM | link | Comments (0)
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