Thought Theater

"How Do I Know Thee?" genre: Six Degrees of Speculation

I had lunch with a friend Tuesday. I've only known her for a few months as we recently met while I was in the process of purchasing insurance. She went to public schools and I attended Catholic schools. She is from the Midwest and I'm a native of Colorado. She is straight and I am gay. She has been divorced for a number of years and I have been single for over six years. Both of us are perfectly happy with our "solitary" situations.

From the outset, our conversations have been effortless despite some obvious dissimilarity. As we visited yesterday, there were no awkward moments where one of us observed the other gazing down to see what shoes the other was wearing...I never stopped to wonder if the breeze had left my hair in disarray. As I left to return home, I started to ponder the dynamics behind our easily achieved affinity. What made it possible? During lunch we had talked about relationships, God and religion, abortion, immigration, contraception, gynecologists, model rockets, marriage, travel, and a host of other topics too numerous to mention.

By the time I arrived at home, I had my answer. The simplicity of the answer was as refreshing as the ice tea we had sipped while enjoying the beautiful spring day. Simply stated, we both approach meeting other people with a blank slate...no agendas, no judgments, and no expectations. My first reaction to my newfound understanding was one of satisfaction. My next reaction wasn't as favorable. By saying as much, I am not insinuating any issue with my friend...however; I am saddened by the rarity of the experience.

I started to think about all the misperceptions that are routinely perpetuated about any number of groups of people despite evidence to the contrary. By that, I mean we live with assumptions that don't withstand the test of reasoned analysis...and yet we rarely acknowledge their flawed status and even worse; we rarely act to correct them. I can speak to one in particular with which I am familiar.

When I decided to come out, I remember thinking that even though I might lose some friends and strain some existing relationships, I was going to find comfort and understanding with my gay brethren. Don't get me wrong, I did find some kind and caring people who were genuinely concerned for my welfare. They too, like my friend Tuesday, met me without agendas, judgments or expectations. I wish that were the end of the story.

Along with those who took me under wing, were those who sought to clip my emerging identity in order to consume and control. In those relationships, as opposed to my new friend, endless effort was needed despite our similarities. The contrast with Tuesday is startling but also illuminating. In a world seemingly made up of groups with which we would expect to find affiliation, in the end each individual relationship is guided by the participants.

Unfortunately, more often than not, the obvious markers that an individual brings into a relationship don't necessarily predict the unknown and often more significant intangibles. Sadly, those intangibles have often been placed there without the benefit of experience, without the application of reason and rationality, and with a permanence that is problematic to dislodge. Such are the seeds of prejudice, bias, and discrimination that dissuade and disallow the contact necessary to disprove their validity.

In the end, the simplicity with which my new friend and I connected is often exceeded by the complexity found in countless other interactions. In a world where coupling and cohabitation compel, more frequently the obstacles of intolerance born of ignorance serve to sabotage the objective. Until the value of our shared humanity overcomes centuries of contrived and cultivated classifications, we will languish in a labyrinth of illusions.

I'm reminded of the expression, "what you don't know won't hurt you. Ironically, we live in a world that often concludes that it will without ever taking the time to find out. Even worse, by fabricating unsubstantiated fears, we create conflict and distance out of thin air. Consequently, what we often think we know is far worse than what we actually know. The only antidote is the unfettered pursuit of "truth." It is time we all commit to taking the medication before we spiral into an insurmountable, yet self-inflicted, pandemic.