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May 14, 2008

An Experiment In Critical Thinking: Is Religion Battered Woman's Syndrome? genre: Do Not Resuscitate & Hip-Gnosis & Uncivil Unions

The following video asks an interesting question - Is religion battered woman's syndrome? While provocative on its surface, the creator of the video makes a number of thoughtful observations.

More than an effort to connect religion with battered woman's syndrome, it is an attempt to force people to consider the pretext upon which they adopt their religious beliefs and to what extent that may be a flawed construct.

In my opinion, all too often people accept the religious beliefs of their parents without ever taking the time to fully understand exactly the meaning of the concepts they're assimilating into their own understanding of the world in which they live.

No doubt beliefs can serve a valuable purpose in a person's life...but they can also preclude the individual from exploring other possibilities...particularly if one has adopted their beliefs as a result of blind acceptance or forcible infliction. Hence, the similarity to the process by which a woman is able to adjust her thinking to accept the abuse of her abuser and forego her rightful ability to make determinations on her own and in her best interest.

I am always amazed at the seeming lack of suspicion with regards to religious ideology. Time and again I witness people refusing to take much of anything they encounter on face value...yet those same individuals are somehow able to compartmentalize their faith such that it is beyond reconsideration or reproach.

I've always felt that the fear of death, and the unknown quality it holds, is an immensely powerful tool in the arsenal of religious institutions. Regardless, it's as if people abdicate large swaths of their lives in order to avoid the fear of losing them. In the end, isn't that little more than a subservient march towards the very death they fear?

Come to think of it, perhaps the comparison is insufficient. After all, many women find the strength to break free of their overlords. The same isn't always true of those who acquiesce to other iterations of divine beings.

Tagged as: Battered Women, Critical Thinking, Death, Domestic Abuse, Faith, Fear, God, Religion

Daniel DiRito | May 14, 2008 | 10:53 AM | link | Comments (3)

March 29, 2008

Living Life On Death's Game Board genre: Do Not Resuscitate

In the aftermath of my sisters serious illness this past week, I couldn't help but share my contemplations on life's strange relationship with death. While we often do our best to avoid the subject, it consistently finds the means to inject itself into our consciousness. As she continues to recover, those of us who know and love her are forced to confront our fears.

For most of us, life is an orderly procession towards death. When we're young, death is barely a blip on our radar...and one that we're able to ignore with ease. During our youth, the world seems limitless and time is bountiful. Each day is an adventure with potential and the promises of the future appear to be endless.

As the years pass, the distant drum of death grows more pronounced. Like a surreptitious riff in each song of life, eventually death demands its due and it becomes increasingly unlikely that we can deny its presence. Sometimes it's the untimely death or the unexpected illness of a loved one or a family friend that awakens us to the fragility of life and the indiscriminate nature of dying. Whatever it may be, our introduction to immortality opens a door that can never again be closed.

For some of us, death walks nearby on a daily basis. In fact, for the gay community, even the most basic of acts has become an untoward dance with death. From the moment a gay teenager imagines his first romance, he must also ponder its potential to shorten his life. We are a community that is denied the opportunity to become brides and grooms, yet we live life forever wed to the possibility that a demonstration of love may set the stage for the final act.

Giving oneself to another has always contained an element of vulnerability. However, when catching the love bug has the potential to be accompanied by an infectious interloper, this innocent act of vulnerability is suddenly transformed into a calculation of calamitous consequences. Though passion is an inevitability; vigilance becomes a necessity. Hence, the pleasure of intimacy can be forever shadowed by the fear of fatality.

HIV isn't exclusive to the gay community, but it is an undeniable adjunct. Every parent of a gay son is torn between their hopes for his happiness and their desire to postpone his pursuit of it. In that difficult dichotomy, one could easily conclude that the risks outweigh the rewards and that the lives of gays are forever filled with trepidation. That would be a reasonable assumption...but it would also be wrong.

In fact, it is in witnessing the loss of those who chose to live life large...in spite of the obstacle of AIDS...that has given the gay community much of its resolve and its resiliency. Truth be told, what unites my memories of those I have lost to HIV was their unflinching desire to live. For each of them, life was not measured in years. Instead, their lives were never allowed to be overshadowed by the fear of death. They knew that all lives end in death...and they rejected the deception that believes one can be enriched by purchasing more years at the expense of less living. The richness of the memories they left behind affirms both the quantity and the quality of the living they did.

In that knowledge, my own view of life has been forever altered. While illness and death still give me pause; I refuse to let them dictate life. Death is not negotiable and attempts to barter with it are far more beguiling than beneficial. Death is undoubtedly an endpoint but it needn't be a constantly constricting continuum. Death may be our final visitor but we mustn't feed it by granting it a place at the table of life. Death will kill us but it needn't prevent us from feasting on life. Death is final; it needn't be preceded by famine.

When life is at risk of being overcome by death, we can cease living in order to watch the monitor...hoping for the slightest of movements to assure us that we still reside in the here and now...or we can turn away from the monitor and place our trust in the heart that has sustained us during our darkest of hours. The former adds a flawed footnote; the latter an exclamation mark.

I accept that death will ultimately prevail...but I refuse to let it dictate that the ending must be a slowly measured fade to black. If life is like theater, I prefer to be an actor on the bright and colorful stage of life...in full regalia...when the final act goes dark with the sudden flip of a switch.

When that moment arrives, I'll stop and silently thank my many mentors for teaching me the merits of living...and for the guidance to make a gracious exit.

Tagged as: Death, Dying, HIV, Illness, LGBT, Life

Daniel DiRito | March 29, 2008 | 11:04 PM | link | Comments (2)

March 4, 2008

More On That Alleged Best Health Care In The World - Part III genre: Do Not Resuscitate & Little Red Ribbon-Hood & Six Degrees of Speculation

Syringe And Vial

There is an ongoing battle over health care in the United States. Those opposed to universal health care argue that the implementation of such a plan will result in a decline in the quality of care. Time and again, they cite the reported delays in accessing needed procedures in those countries that provide such care as evidence. They also make anecdotal assertions about the growing number of foreigners who seek medical care in the United States...while ignoring the same indications that more Americans are seeking medical care in other countries.

While there may be legitimate concerns about the implementation of a universal health care system, I've previously written about the fallacies contained in many of these arguments. I've also directed readers to studies that offer a less than stellar assessment of the health care we're currently receiving.

The recent report from Nevada on the mishandling of syringes and vials, which may have resulted in potentially exposing 40,000 patients to Hepatitis C, is further evidence that our system has its share of deficiencies.

WASHINGTON (AP) -- An outbreak of hepatitis C at a Nevada clinic may represent "the tip of an iceberg" of safety problems at clinics around the country, according to the head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The city of Las Vegas shut down the Endoscopy Center of Southern Nevada last Friday after state health officials determined that six patients had contracted hepatitis C because of unsafe practices including clinic staff reusing syringes and vials. Nevada health officials are trying to contact about 40,000 patients who received anesthesia by injection at the clinic between March 2004 and Jan. 11 to urge them to get tested for hepatitis C, hepatitis B and HIV.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., met Monday with CDC head Dr. Julie Gerberding, and on a media conference call after their meeting both strongly condemned practices at the clinic.

Health care accreditors "would consider this a patient safety error that falls into the category of a 'never event,' meaning this should never happen in contemporary health care organizations," said Gerberding.

"Our concern is that this could represent the tip of an iceberg and we need to be much more aggressive about alerting clinicians about how improper this practice is," she said, "but also continuing to invest in our ability to detect these needles in a haystack at the state level so we recognize when there has been a bad practice and patients can be alerted and tested."

Let me attempt to explain exactly what appears to have happened at these clinics. In performing procedures on patients with Hepatitis C, clinicians may have been reusing the syringes used in sedating these infected individuals on other patients...or they were reusing the same syringe a second time on an individual infected with the disease when drawing a sedating medication from a multi-dose vial...which was then used to draw medication to sedate other patients. The bottom line is that the disease could have contaminated either the syringe or the vial containing the sedating medication.

Look, I'm not a doctor or a scientist...but it isn't that difficult to understand that if you put something (a needle connected to a syringe containing a fluid) into a contaminated substance (blood in the tissue of an infected individual in this case), there is a risk that the infected substance can travel into any connected portion of that device (think backwash from a straw or the basic concept of osmotic transfer) or into any container that device may subsequently come into contact with.

So what does this tell us about our health care? Well, according to the representative from the CDC, these clinicians were conducting practices that are NEVER EVER acceptable. In doing so, they were violating a very basic guideline; not some complex concept beyond those capable of rudimentary rational thought. Frankly, if one can't be sedated for a colonoscopy without the risk of contracting Hepatitis C, what hope should we have that a life saving surgical procedure will follow proper protocol?

To be fair, that isn't an argument that affirms the quality of services one might expect under a universal health care system. However, it is a valid criticism of our existing system as well as a rebuttal to those who sing its praises. Truth be told, health care is only as good as the commitment of those who provide it. The argument that universal health care will make the practice of medicine less lucrative may...and I repeat may...have some merit. At the same time, are we to believe that the hippocratic oath is subject to suspension should the bottom line be diminished?

Given the incidence of malpractice and the other previously referenced negative reports on our health care system, it appears that ever increasing profits are no more a predictor of high quality health care than decreased profits would be of lesser quality care. Further, if those in the field of medicine predicate their performance upon profitability, we're all one bad bottom line away from a botched procedure.

Unless and until we restore the word "care" to our health system, it won't actually matter whether it is administered as a result of an open market construct (think 47 million uninsured) or as a function of some degree of universally mandated insurance. The provision of care ought to be a given; not an endless negotiation. It's time we choose to do the right thing. It's a matter of life and death.

Tagged as: Centers for Disease Control, Health Care, Hepatitis C, Hippocratic Oath, Insurance, Malpractice, Mandates, Medicine, Nevada, Poverty, Universal Health Care

Daniel DiRito | March 4, 2008 | 1:50 PM | link | Comments (0)

February 11, 2008

Sometimes When You Get Too Close, You Get Too Far genre: Do Not Resuscitate & Nouveau Thoughts & Polispeak & Six Degrees of Speculation

Generations

"Sometimes when you get too close, you get too far" is one of many pearls of wisdom handed down from my Italian immigrant grandparents. They used the expression to warn their children that all relationships weren't the same and that there are circumstances whereby getting too involved is ill advised. Fortunately, my parents passed those same words along to their children. I've been focused on the saying for several weeks as I've been seeking an understanding of my own indeterminate malaise.

Let me offer some background and then some explanation. I love politics and psychology and I often focus on their overlap when writing. I've done so because I'm convinced that all of our actions can be traced back to the individual's psyche. Try as we might, I suspect we actually understand very little about the mechanics of that entity...other than the fact that it undoubtedly makes each of us uniquely flawed individuals.

If we look close enough, perhaps we can find themes or threads that connect some of us. At the same time, it seems safe to infer that the reverse is true...meaning there are also threadbare holes in this imperfect human tapestry that divide us. Politics is thus the tundra upon which these commonalities and these differences unfold.

This current election cycle is a unique moment in our American history. Never before has it been inevitable that either a woman or an African American would be the nominee of one of our political parties. Part and parcel of that eventuality is the concept of change. Confronting this change, in my estimation, involves many of the same dynamics found in my grandparent's thoughtful insights.

There is a spoken belief that our nation long ago confronted issues of race and gender and set in motion the removal of the barriers associated with either. There is also an unspoken reality that neither has been achieved. As we approach the moment where our lip service may well be forced to acquiesce to the living of these lofty proclamations, we begin to see that the closer we get to its achievement, the further we may be from its existence.

The evidence that exists is no doubt the equivalent of a DNA match. Whether it's a product of our capitalistic mindset that idealizes winning and posits that the opposite is losing, I don't know for sure...but I suspect it may well be. If so, then nothing could be more divisive than to ask voters to affirm one oppressed group over another. It's as if fate is bringing us to the precipice of progress...only to ask us to make a choice that will catapult one group to the pinnacle while seemingly pushing the other into the abyss. While this isn't actually the choice, it may be the perception.

Worse still, those groups who lack a contestant in the competition for the quintessential prize worry that the elevation of one of their fellow second class societal equivalents may well result in the further disproportionate distribution of the spoils of success. Hence, if the perception exists that the proverbial pie isn't large enough to nourish us all, then the thought that one's longtime competitor (for the crumbs that fall off the table) is about to receive not only a place at the table, but a plate...and a bigger piece of the pie, is apt to create angst...and resentment. Therein lies what we must attempt to understand.

An example might be beneficial. I received a distressing call from my younger sister last week. As I picked up the phone and said hello, all I heard on the other end was my sister sobbing...telling me that she had just gotten off the phone with my mother. My heart sunk as my mind raced to guess who had died or was diagnosed with a terminal disease or fallen gravely ill. It's amazing how many thoughts can occupy a few seconds. I immediately asked, "What's the matter?" As I braced for the bad news, she replied, "I told mom I had caucused for Obama and she got mad and hung up on me".

You see my mom is in her seventies...and the thought that a fellow woman would choose to support "the other candidate" (a man who happens to be black) is akin to treason. Add to that the fact that she grew up in a small Colorado community as a Catholic whose Italian immigrant parents had distinct accents and customs that were foreign to those around them and one begins to see the generational impact.

Such is the insidious nature of discrimination and prolonged periods of lost or limited opportunities. Let me be clear...my mom doesn't have a racist bone in her body and I can't recall a single disparaging remark about any minority (save for her angry comments at my announcement many years ago that I was gay). Nonetheless, she is a product of a society that relegated her and other women to a lesser status and in so doing served to rob her and many others of the same opportunities as their male counterparts. The fact that she saw similar limitations placed upon her foreign born parents only exacerbated her awareness of the issue.

When I subsequently spoke with my mother on the phone, the gravity of the situation was revealed when she stated, "I want to see a woman elected to the presidency before I die." Yes, the same woman who idolized the charisma and the hope she found in JFK couldn't envision that my sister had seen the same in Barack Obama. She could only feel her own sense of loss and sadness at the fact that time is cutting short her chances to witness the culmination of her dreams and her hopes.

2008 will be a historical election...but whether it will be a transformative one remains to be seen. Sometimes the closer we get to fulfilling the hopes and dreams of the least of us, the more difficult it can be to preserve them for the rest of us. Hence, transformation can be a double-edged sword.

My love for my mom and my sister is unlimited...and yet it can't always bridge the gaps that come between people from disparate eras. When injustice has been administered and experienced over lengthy periods of time, it may be impossible to repair the damages or remove the regrets that accompany it.

We each see life through our own prisms. We occasionally see the same thing when looking through those prisms...yet if we see those things in our lives at differing chronological points, they will likely have different meanings. In the end, sometimes when you've gone too long without, you've gone too far within. Perhaps the lessons learned in 2008 will bring all of us closer to where we belong.

Tagged as: 2008 election, Aging, Barack Obama, Chauvinism, Death, Gender Inequality, Generation Gap, Hillary Clinton, Immigration, Italian Immigrants, JFK, Misogyny, Racism

Daniel DiRito | February 11, 2008 | 10:01 AM | link | Comments (0)

January 23, 2008

Heath Ledger: Phelps & Westboro Baptist Respond genre: Do Not Resuscitate & Gaylingual & Hip-Gnosis

Should there be any doubt that Fred Phelps and his clan are "religious" lunatics, the following is the Westboro Baptist Church press release on the death of actor, Heath Ledger. This is clearly another example of their atrocious attacks on innocent individuals and their grieving families.

I wonder how much money they spend traveling the country to attend the funerals of U.S. soldiers and others they deem "worthy" of their disgusting protests. Perhaps in their zeal to pass God's judgment, they are actually setting themselves up for the very same. Here's the point. Wouldn't all of that money be better spent helping those in need? Talk about a corruption of Christian values.

Westboro Baptist Church Press Release: Heath Ledger

Tagged as: Bigotry, Christianity, Fred Phelps, Heath Ledger, Homophobia, Kansas, LGBT, Religious Extremism, Shirley Phelps, Topeka, U.S. Military, Westboro Baptist Church

Daniel DiRito | January 23, 2008 | 1:22 PM | link | Comments (5)

December 28, 2007

Endings & Beginnings: Not The Same Auld Lang Syne genre: Do Not Resuscitate & Happy Remembrances & Rhyme-N-Reason & Tuned Out & Video-Philes

Life can be about symmetry or it can also be about irony...and occasionally it can be about both at the same time. As I've pondered the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008...looking for words to say goodbye to one year as well as to greet the new year...Dan Fogelberg's death came to mind as did his song "Same Old Lang Syne".

Both seemed to fit the moment as well as capture the essence that so often eludes us during the holidays...a realization that in the course of one year, life and death have traveled hand in hand. What one takes, the other returns...though the ledger never seems to satisfy as losses and gains are difficult to measure.

Life and death, one year stacked upon another, the constant parade of seasons...all mark endings and beginnings though none are quite the same...yet each prevails when it arrives. Some bring symmetry, some bring irony, some bring neither, and some bring both.

Regardless, at the end of any journey, all that remains are the stories we tell. As we enter 2008, may your stories be filled with joy, may your losses leave you with treasured tales of times gone by, and may you gain the wisdom to accept what yesterday has brought...as well as what tomorrow may bring.

The following video is a holiday greeting set to Dan Fogelberg's "Same Old Lang Syne". Below it is a poem I wrote many years back while seeking to make sense of the countless dichotomies found in this existence. Today, I simply accept that their constance represents the nature of our uniquely human story.

Season's Greetings

Oh snow,
Weighted,
Not desired,
That which blankets...
Smothers fire.
Be gone now
it is said...
Life shall come;
remove the dead.
Beneath the snow,
The seed survives...
Till when at last,
the sun shall rise.
The freezing wanes
Where life begins...
The water flows,
We start again.
Blazing colors
Will fill our eyes...
Death at bay;
The living thrive.
Visions fury,
Burning bright...
But who shall lead
The blind to light?

Tagged as: 2007, 2008, Auld Lang Syne, Dan Fogelberg, Death, Holiday, Music, New Year, Poetry, Same Old Lang Syne, Season's Greetings

Daniel DiRito | December 28, 2007 | 4:08 PM | link | Comments (0)

December 12, 2007

Murray Had Confrontation At New Life Church In 2004 genre: Do Not Resuscitate & Hip-Gnosis & Uncivil Unions

Sarah Chrstnnghtmr's MySpace Details

There appears to have been a connection between Matthew Murray and New Life Church in 2004...one that resulted in a confrontation. Perhaps this explains why Matthew chose New Life as a target. Even more significant, the staff at New Life allegedly warned Murray's mother that Matthew might be "planning violence".

The gist of the situation seems to suggest that two staff members told Matthew's mother that he "wasn't walking with the lord and could be planning violence". From that situation, Matthew's mother found his stash of "evil" items (music, books, video games) and confiscated them. It appears he may have blamed this on the folks at New Life.

Stay tuned. I'll soon be updating this posting with additional entries from this latest cache of postings.

EDITOR'S NOTE: See the update below.

Forum Thread Number One:

First Entry:

On 09/04/06 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

Thread: Growing up in the nightmare of Bill Gothard and Charismatic Christianity (short version) (Healing) (Posted on: 04 Sep : 13:04)

I am 22 years old and I was raised in Bill Gothard's homeschool program all the way through high school. I went to both the Basic and Advanced Seminars. My Mother was fully into both Bill Gothard's programs AND the Charismatic movement. She followed Peter Wagner, Mike Bickle, Joyce Meyer, Ted Haggard of New Life Church, Cindy Jacobs, Dutch Sheets and any other person who was popular in the Charismatic movement at the time.

In addition to all of Bill Gothard's insanity my mother was into all the charismatic/"fanatical evangelical" insanity. Her and her church believed that Satan and demons were everywhere in everything. The rules were VERY strict all the time. We couldn't have ANY christian or non-christian music at all except for a few charismatic worship CDs. There was physical abuse in my home. My mother although used psychotropic drugs because she somehow thought it would make it easier to control me(I've never been diagnosed with any mental illness either). Pastors would always come and interrogate me over video games or TV watching or other things. There were NO FRIENDS outside the church and family and even then only family members who were in the church. You could not trust anyone at all because anyone might be a spy.

At age 17, I decided to "go all out for Jesus" and do my best to practice christianity and live it out. I went to the bible to read for myself how one gets "saved." I found several different versions of getting saved from the gospels. In John it was mainly "have faith" but in Mt, Mk, and Lk, it was as found in Mt 25, that you would have eternal life by doing good works(which of course is considered heresy). So I went to the books from the man that "had all the answers," Bill gothard's Basic and Advanced seminar textbooks.

What I found were all these other rules Irealized I could never live up to, yet, the man seemed to have a biblical basis for everything. In Februrary 2001 at age 17 I plunged into a dark suicidal depression all because I thought I had lost my "salvation" and somehow couldn't live up to the rules. Every single hour of every single day, up until October 2001 I thought about ways of suicide and hating myself for not being worthy enough and failing God. I felt like there was no reason to live because I had lost my salvation and could never live up to the rules. In May of 2001, I told my parents I was depressed and they put me on 2 anti-depressants(in addition to the other crap pills they had me on to try to brainwash me).

None of that touched this depression at all. Everyone prayed, they laid hands on me, spoke in tongues over me, I sought out every kind of christian spiritual help I knew of in charismatic christianity. I through away video games, a few movies, anything that could possibly be "bringing demons" that would cause me to lose God's favour and make me depressed. I never told my parents I was suicidal however, that would have gotten me in big trouble, I just told them I was depressed.

In Oct 2001 I decided it had to end somehow, so I decided to simply reject the idea that Bill Gothard was infallible. The depression mostly cleared right up. I was still a little depressed because I saw other youth in another group doing so well and happy with life. That group was called King's Kids.
King's Kids is a youth ministry of YWAM.
I got involved with King's Kids and went on missions trips with them.

At age 18, in 2002, I went to Youth With A Mission to do their "DTS" program which lasts a total of 5 months, the last two months you go on outreach. On the YWAM base several of the other young men smoked pot, looked at porn, listened to heavy metal, AND were involved in homosexual activities. 6 of the guys made a homosexual porn videotape together on the YWAM Denver campus but only one got kicked out because his face was on the video. 1 week before I was to head out on outreach, I was told by the YWAM Denver staff that I couldn't go because I "wasn't popular and talkative enough for missions work." They admitted that I hadn't done anything wrong, just that they had prayed and felt I wasn't popular/"connected" and talkative enough. I had already raised the $2600 for the 3 month course AND payed the $2200 for the missions trip(I did get a refund).

When I got back home it was back to the good old restriction and that is when I started having serious doubts about christianity. I got on staff with another group that is a program of YWAM called King's Kids. I was on staff with them until mid 2005.

In early 2004, I was still living at home at age 20. I went to a charismatic conference at New Life church with my mother and her church. At the conference I got into a debate with two prayer team staff members. These two staff members watched me throughout the conference to find out who I was with. They found my mother and told her this story that went something along the lines of I "wasn't walking with the lord and could be planning violence." Two weeks later my mother brought over one of the pastors to search my room for "anything evil"(which included my Xbox video game and DVD collection). I tried moving all the video games, DVDs, and a few non-christian books over to a friends house, but that woman was a church member. My mother and the church leadership called that woman, got into her house and basically destroyed at least $900 worth of property. I wasn't involved in anything like drugs or anything like that. I just had video games, some books about other religions, DVDs and such.

After that incident my mother searched my room for the next 3 months EVERY SINGLE DAY. After that I decided it was over, that I had had it with christianity. Seeing how there are all these different churches and interpretations of the bible and what Jesus said, many different views on what a sin actually is and isn't, different views on what God approves of, and all kinds of different views on:On how to get "saved" and how to stay "saved," I realized that Christianity was mostly a big lie. Everyone has different ways of getting and staying saved and staying in God's favor yet somehow there's "only one God, one way to God and only one Word of God."

I had already told my mother to lay off or she'd regret it. After that incident in 2004 I immediately went into all of Marilyn Manson's thinking, ideas and music, believe it or not.

I found a LOT in common with Marilyn Manson and what he had to say, especially on his "Antichrist Superstar" album. I got involved in several other things too.

I never bothered to tell my King's Kids leaders and friends that I had changed beliefs. I just stayed on KK Staff because I enjoyed going on outreaches and helping people. In 2005, I had written some poems about my experiences and sent them to some of my friends, 2 of which were on King's Kids staff. One them got upset about it and forwarded it to the local King's Kids director. He called me up and said he needed to have a meeting right away about "these e-mails you sent." At the meeting I told him that they weren't meant for him or anyone not on the list and that I didn't see how any sin had been done. He admitted that I hadn't done anything wrong by writing poetry, but he was still upset about it because it was talking bad about christians. He told me not to go to anymore meetings and that he would call me every other week to talk. He only called me the next week and has never called again. I had faithfully served them for a totall of 4 years, 3 of them on King's Kids staff. I found out with them just who my friends really are.

After the 2005 King's Kids I have not had any other affiliation with christian groups. however I'd say I left christianity in 2004.

Since leaving christianity I have gone on to the following:
Freemasonry-Scottish Rite, York Rite, Shriners
Everything Alesiter Crowley and Thelemic Magick, Marilyn Manson, Ceremonial Magick, Hermeticism, the Golden Dawn, Kabbalistic magick and studies.
Alice A. Bailey and her books, Lucis Trust, H.P. Blavatsky, Theosophy.

This story is kind of a shortened form. A LOT went on up until age 18, and then a lot happened at age 19(2003) to now.

____________________________________________________
Every man and every woman is a star

UPDATE I:

Sarah Chrstnnghtmr's Interests From MySpace

The following postings provide some poignant and troubling insight into Matthew and his thoughts. If one believes what Matthew has written, he asserts that he is bisexual...and has participated in "every sort of sexual perversion"...a statement which likely reflects some of the very religious judgments he sought to escape.

The last entry in this posting is perhaps the most significant...and perhaps one of the most troubling. I'll offer a note of caution, in that Matthew uses some harsh and crass language in recounting an alleged conversation he had with his mother.

What is clear is his growing resentments and his determination to effect a change. I contend his rejection of his religious ideology unfortunately didn't include the ability to separate his newly chosen activities (drinking, sex, etc) from the construct of sin which had been ingrained in his psyche. While choosing to rebel, it is obvious he still loathes his actions though sees them as equal or superior to the hypocrisy and abuse he believes he experienced while attempting to live his faith.

Sadly, in the end, I suspect he couldn't find a comfortable and comforting choice...hence his decision to end his life. It's unfortunate that he apparently concluded he had no reasonable alternatives to the path he ultimately chose. I find it difficult to fathom being in that state of mind...but then that's the primary reason for this exercise.

Let's hope that our society will decide to be more proactive in the future.

Second Entry:

On 11/05/06 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

Well I have to say with the news regarding Ted Haggard's homosexuality, methamphetamine use, double life, lying to cover it all up for at least the last several years all while being "filled with the holy spirit"........
I feel somewhat vindicated.

"There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I’ve
been warring against it all of my adult life."

I've known many people, many people my age who've been abused and hurt by people in the "Holy Spirit Filled tongues speaking" "Deliverance spiritual warfare" "Holy Spirit annointed" Pentecostal/Charismatic movements/groups/churches.

Everyone's saying "lets forgive this man and love him and pray for restoration"

I want to know, where was all the love, compassion and mercy for all of my supposed imperfections growing up in church? Where was all the love and forgiveness from YWAM (where several of the missionaries were involved in homosexuality) for me being "not talkative enough"? Where is the restoration, love, mercy, and compassion for the hell and christian nightmare I had to go through?

I believe that certain things have been exposed for the fraud that they are.
Many people will say "it was only one man." But I say, "no, in my life, ZERO christians came to my aid. Most all the christians I knew in all the ministries and churches and groups I grew up in were no better than the rest of the world. I'm sorry, but this man does NOT need "forgive and forget, love and restoration." This particular group, New Life Church and charismatic movement in general has been in large part responsible for the christian nightmare that I've been through.

"You need to move on"

Believe me, I have moved on and now I can see and expose all the lies for what they are.

Christians will say "oh, but it's only one man, there's forgiveness."

"This doesn't mean that God doesn't exist."

Didn't say that it did. I fully believe in God, NOT this manmade christianity, the false doctrines of christianity or other manmade religions. I believe in Light, Life, Love, and Liberty.

The Damage has been done......
Now, it is Christianity that will be mocked, laughed at, ridiculed, judged, and condemned by many.........

______________________________________________________________________
Mister Crowley.......
Every man and every woman is a star

Forum Thread Number Two:

First & Only Entry:

On 09/04/06 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

This is an interesting topic. In my house, prety much all christian contemporary/christian rock and non-christian rock music was Satanic. I was allowed to listen to christian sermons on christian radio stations, but no CD collections or anything.

It was in 2004 at age 20 when I rebelled against my parents and their church that I immediately went out and bought Marilyn Manson's "Smells Like Children" Album. From there I got all of Marilyn Manson's albums and went on to an assortment of metal and Black Metal groups:

Vital Remains, Slayer, Cradle of Filth, Danzig, Black Sabbath, Deicide, Cannibal Corpse, Emperor, Slipknot, Tool, Dark Funeral, Marduk, Gorgoroth etc.

I now have over 150 Metal albums, and yes I listen to many of them and enjoy the music AND the lyrics very much.

In my opinion, I think it's obvious that enforcing such strict rules on teenagers and young adults can cause a rebellion.

All those rules drove me insane worrying that "demons would get me if I heard rock music in a TV commercial"(of course, TV itself is demonic). I would always look down on other church members who listened to contemporary christian music and always wonder "How come they're not being punished? Why doesn't God strike them down?"

I remember, the pastors children got into all kinds of christian rap and christian rock and it was promoted, yet I wasn't allowed to have any of it. This issue helped to alientate me even more from other youth in the church. I always saw it as more hypocrisy in the church, that no one could agree on which music was acceptable and which music actually brought demons into the room you were listening in.

For me, that's all in the past.

I went from sheltered no-music allowed child to hardcore black metal/marilyn manson freak.(kind of like what happened to marilyn manson......)

And pastors aren't getting into my place to go on "room raids" lol
_________________________________________________________
Every man and every woman is a star

Forum Thread Number Three:

First & Only Entry:

Editors Note: The subject of this forum was "Forgiving Gothard".

On 09/04/06 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

There are different definitions of what "forgiveness" is.

"Forgiving" does not mean "joining their religion/church/group/cult/doctrines."

Forgiving does not mean that it's ok to abuse children nor that it's ok to cover up child abuse.

Forgiving does not mean "going back and submitting" to someone's so-called authority.

For me, I feel I can forgive my parents and family, however, I do not forgive their beliefs/doctrines and I will not tolerate further abuse. I believe that the truth needs to be exposed. People need to see through errornious and destructive doctrines and teachings including Bill Gothard's.

Every man and every woman is a star

Forum Thread Number Four:

First Entry (one other exists but isn't relevant):

Editor's Note: The subject of this forum was "The Subculture of IBLP and ATI and Adapting to The Real Culture".

I have had a very hard time adapting to "the real culture." I started breaking away totally at age 19, I am 22 now. I have found it VERY hard to relate to the opposite sex and get and keep girlfriends, and of course getting laid and figuring out the mechanics of sex. A lot of times I have felt like such a loser when I see even other christian young adults getting married, having sex (outside of marriage), going out with girls all the time etc.

It is so hard trying to get "normal." We were so brainwashed into being afraid of sex and pornography and thinking about sex or liking girls or their bodies. We were forbidden from becoming "men." We were not allowed to be ourselves or think for ourselves or do anything at all that hadn't already been dictated. And all the while we were told, "this is what God wants" "you'll be blessed and live a long life if you do this" "the bible says that you will be destroyed if you disobey."
"the holy spirit will give you gifts if you submit and obey"

I've asked the question of "why did I have to be raised in THIS church and with THIS family?" Why not a peacful mennonite church? or some other version of christianity where things were not so insane and strict?

Obviously, one of the common pieces of advice is to "get out there and live life," which is good, but for me I have found a lot more.

In 2004, at age 20, I found a very interesting person who's childhood was very similar to mine. This man was raised by the Plymouth Brethren, a strict fundamentalist christian group. His mother forbade him from even reading "non-christian" william shakespear and other classical literature. this man was totally sheltered, heard the bible read every single day, his father was a preacher and evangelist. This boy even wanted to become an evangelist when he grew up. There's a lot more that happened.

This boy who was raised in a very strict and abusive christian home was Aleister Crowley.

Discovering Aleister Crowley has helped me a lot in my life. This man wrote a book about his thoughts on christianity called "The World's Tragedy." It is well worth getting.

Of course, Aleister Crowley did a lot in his life.
Aleister Crowley said that "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the Law, love under will. There is no law beyond do what thou wilt"

Everything about Aleister Crowley just completely fascinates and captivates me. This man is like the antidote to what I was raised in.
I have also found a lot in all sorts of Occultism that has been very helpful.

The way I see it, is that christianity had it's fun with me and.....now it's all over.
In a way I've completely exploded out from christianity.
In a way it's like I'm just about completely rebelling against christianity in any way that I can, but this is a little different of a rebellion.

Sure I've done drinking and sex, bi-sexuality, bestiality, blasphemy, every kind of metal and black metal band, every sort of sexual pervsion I can think of that's legal, etc. HOWEVER, I'm somehow different from other people who are of the "wrong crowd." Most of my time is spent doing things other than the activities mentioned. A lot of my time is just spent in....occultism/spirituality.

I guess I'm somehow different from "the wrong crowd" and most "rebels" and "wild" people in that I follow Aleister Crowley in this:

“That religion they call Christianity; the devil they honour they call God. I accept these definitions, as a poet must do, if he is to be at all intelligible to his age, and it is their God and their religion that I hate and will destroy."

p.s.

I've heard all the usual fake sayings and lines people will say.
Growing up I heard "it's about a relationship, not a religion!"
I've heard "don't blame God for what people do" and "you're just talking about a few people in christianity, no group is perfect" "you weren't raised in real christianity you need to join _________ " "instead of looking at people you need to pray directly to God"

Guess what? I've got all those things covered. I prayed and cried out to God, and "called upon the name of the Lord" and I was lead to go this way. I believe that Jesus is God and I believe in what he taught HOWEVER, I don't believe that much of today's christianity follows Jesus. I understand that there are many good and nice christians, but I believe that the doctrines as a whole are false and a lie. I do not blame the one true God for the atrocity that is Christianity.

As I said before, I've prayed and read the bible, I called upon God to show me the truth, and this is the path I have found.

Don't blame me just because I was shown a different path than christianity when I prayed and searched.

I would also say that I have yet to find any real spiritual power in any church or christian that was different from all other religions and spiritual paths. In the bible? Yes I read the bible all the time. I still will not follow Christianity.

I agree with Aleister Crowley himself when he said, "I do not hate God or Christ, but merely the God and Christ of the people whom I hated."

_____________________________________________________
Fiat Lux!
Every man and every woman is a star

Forum Thread Number Five:

First & Only Entry:

On 09/24/07 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

I found this man to be a wonderful inspiration. In my times of difficulty in trying to heal, when I feel like my life sucks and that there is no hope for a rejected sheltered christian boy like me, this man's life has given me a powerful hope and resolve to take a stand and to know that I'm not the only one who has been a victim of this kind of abuse and insanity.

Earlier this year I wrote a speech about this man's life and gave it at a christian college in one of my classes. What follows is that speech/writing:

Edward Alexander “Aleister" Crowley was born to Edward Crowley in England on October 12, 1875. Aleister Crowley’s parents were members of a strict group of Christians known as the Plymouth Brethren. As an infant Aleister Crowley was baptized by the Plymouth Brethren. Aleister Crowley’s parents raised him in this strict Christian setting. The bible was read and prayers were said daily.

The Crowley family was also wealthy because Aleister's Dad was also a very successful brewer of alcohol. One can immediately see the obvious, apparent contradiction in being an evangelist of the Gospel and a brewer of alcohol. This was a contradiction that little Aleister didn’t fail to recognize. Nevertheless, Crowley was encouraged by his father to love God and to want to grow in the Christian faith. Crowley was receptive to his father’s guidance initially. He used to love reading the Bible as a boy. As Aleister Crowley stated in his Confessions, “The underlying theory of life which was assumed in the household showed itself constantly in practice. The universe was created by God 4004 B.C. The Bible, Authorized Version, was literally true, having been dictated by the Holy Ghost himself to scribes incapable of even clerical errors."

“The second coming of the Lord Jesus was confidently expected to occur at any moment. So imminent was it that preparations for a distant future --- such as signing a lease or insuring one's life --- might he held to imply lack of confidence of the promise, ‘Behold I come quickly.’" “Earthly life was regarded as an ordeal; this was a wicked world and the best thing that could happen to anyone was "to go to be with Christ, which is far better". On the other hand, the unsaved went to the lake of fire and brimstone which burneth for ever and ever" (Crowley, 1929-1930, p.38).
As a child, Aleister Crowley had desired to serve God and become an evangelist.

In May, 1887, when Aleister Crowley was 11 years old, his father died of cancer. This was to be a major turning point in young Crowley’s life. Aleister Crowley’s parents had sent him to a school in Cambridge, run by Plymouth Brethren. According to Aleister, this school was supposed to be run by Christians, they had constant chapel services, and a Reverend. However, Crowley documented that the school was dominated with liars, thieves, physical abuse, homosexuals, and a number of other forms of wickedness. (Crowley, Confessions, p.63-67) The death of Aleister Crowley’s father and the hypocrisy he witnessed at the Christian school caused Aleister Crowley to desire to vigorously rebel against his Christian upbringing and against Christianity.
Aleister Crowley set out to figure out the best way to do this.

Aleister Crowley stated in his Confessions, “I was not content to believe in a personal devil and serve him, in the ordinary sense of the word. I wanted to get hold of him personally and become his chief of staff" (Crowley, 1929-1930, p.67).

When attending College, he was already proud of his homosexual behavior, drunkenness and drug use. While at Cambridge University, Aleister Crowley wrote a poem called “Alcedama-A Place to Bury Strangers In". In that poem, Crowley wrote: “I was in the death struggle with self: God and Satan fought for my soul those three long hours. God conquered - now I have only one doubt left - which of the twain was God?"

Crowley answered his own question by determining that Satan was his god. He went on to write: “I had been almost overwhelmed by the appalling responsibility of ensuring my own damnation and helping others to escape from Jesus." Crowley’s hatred for Christianity was summed up in a book he wrote in 1910 entitled “The World’s Tragedy." In that book he made a statement that reflected his life’s goal:

In March, 1904, while traveling with his wife in Egypt, Aleister Crowley wrote the Book of the Law, which he claims was dictated to him by his guardian angel, named “Aiwass." In the Book of the Law Crowley was declared “The Prophet of a New Aeon," a New Age where the old “Aeon of Osiris" would pass away and the “New Aeon of Horus" would be ushered in (Crowley, 1976). Aleister Crowley declared himself “The Great Beast of Revelation" and labeled himself “666." In 1920, Aleister Crowley used a building in Sicily, Italy, and called it his “Abbey of Thelema." The “Abbey of Thelema" was set up for Crowley and his followers to practice magickal rituals and study the occult. After several scandals and a woman dying during a sex magick ritual at the Abbey, Aleister Crowley was expelled from Italy. After being expelled, Aleister Crowley became known internationally as “The wickedest man in the world" and newspapers everywhere were talking about him. Aleister Crowley went on to write many books on Occult and Magickal practices gaining many followers to his cause.

Aleister Crowley went on to become known as “The wickedest man in the world."
Aleister Crowley would go on to write dozens of books on the occult throughout his life, promoting Black Magic and all forms of occultism, including astral projection, divination, ceremonial magick, witchcraft, human sacrifice, the Universality of Magick, and practically anything else that would help him achieve his stated goal -- the destruction of the Christian faith. Crowley believed that Christianity was a gloomy religion, full of despair. He referred to Christianity as the “gloom."

Rebelling against an oppressive and abusive childhood in evangelical christianity, Aleister Crowley wrote many books on occult and magickal topics, become a leader in the world of occultism and one of the most infamous Magicians of the 20th Century. His works became practically it’s own occult religion, influencing much of modern occultism and influencing many people and followers, even to this day.

Every man and every woman is a star

Forum Thread Number Six:

First & Only Entry:

Editor's Note: The subject of this forum was ""God's Will" equals "Parent's Will"

On 02/12/07 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

I understand what you're saying restored. My parents and their church were very abusive and they always used sayings like "touch not the Lord's annointed" and "what does it say here?"(pointing to the ten commandments and Eph 6:1-3) "it says to honor AND OBEY! it didn't say whether you think they're abusive or not, it says to OBEY....."

That's just too bad because instead of a dead, lifeless, spiritually powerless criminally abusive christianity, I found a new Law that says:

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law

I realized that we all have a spark of divinity within us and that the answers can be found within ourselves, rather than from some hyopcrite Ted Faggard pastor or some abusive Gothardite tongues speaking fanatical church. Every man has a right to do his Divine Will that he has been given from the Divine(which of course, must be discovered first.)

It's ironic that I was raised in a "godly loving christian home with two parents" and a church who all told me I would go to hell if I listened to even christian contemporary/rock music and that demons would posses me if I listened to non-christian music because I also found Marilyn Manson who taught me that, there is no heaven and hell and that I have no "original sin" that I need to be forgiven of and to kill myself over guilt over, nor that I need this false theory of salvation that christianity uses to force it's system of enslavement, fear, tithing and abuse upon the world.

_________________________________________________________________
Every man and every woman is a star

Forum Thread Number Seven:

Editor's Note: The subject of this forum was "Ignorance is innocence ? NO SEX! Education and ATI".

First Entry:

On 06/25/07 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

yeah, I'd agree encourager. I was always this shy timid little boy and always felt guilty for looking at or even talking with girls....
To get past all that..........realize that you have nothing left to lose in this miserable life. Christians have raped and tried to take everything from within me. realize that, nothing really matters anyways, "Jesus"/"God" certainly has not answered any of my prayers all these years....so if "God" has been there......then he obviously doesn't have time....or is getting off watching all the suffering. Believe me, I've heard it all before, "oh, but he is right there even now!" "you just have to ask him"(as if I haven't already done that) "you just have to turn your heart to him!"(so what...do I have to visualize my heart chakra linking to Christ?) "if you'll only have faith and call upon the name of the lord!"(already done that a hundred times)

I can have sex with whatever and whomever I please. If girls or guys get offended that I ask for sex or play or that I ask them to get high or whatever.....then f*** them! I'm already going to Hell for watching the Simpsons and playing video games, leaving my parents church and a ton of other sh**, "God" certainly hasn't said anything about it. I don't have to worry about being turned down or feeling guilty anymore. Considering that watching The Simpsons will send you to hell, might as well watch any and all the pornography you can get your hands on to learn about sex. It's not like "God" is sending a guy/girl to teach you about sex........

I went to God just to see and I was looking at me
I saw that heaven and hell were lies

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law
Every man and every woman is a star

Second Entry:

On 07/01/07 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

Actually granolagoddess, most people in this world are pretty f***ing stupid.

Most people are stupid enough to believe that their favorite politician would never lie to them, or that their government would never dare break any laws (read about COINTELPRO), or things like "the bible is the only thing that's needed for education and the only source for truth." People are stupid enough to believe that they need to follow a pastor and that pastors can be trusted(i.e. Ted Haggard). Heck, there's even people who believe that they're going to be raptured up into the sky and that some guy died and rose again for their imaginary "sins" that they think everyone in the world is guilty of and that everyone who is not a part of their church/religion and/or does not "speak in tongues" or desires to have sex is going to a lake of fire. Ha ha ha all you stupid people can suck my ****....cause for me, if I ever get sick of it all, suicide is always going to be there......

Sure, most people online are stupid, but most people offline are stupid also. Many people just go around believing what "the experts" tell them to believe.

What do you think about that granolagoddess?

Of course there's also those stupid idiots who think that online internet forums and e-mails are supposed to have perfect grammar and spelling.........

_________________________________________
Mister Crowley....
Every man and every woman is a star

Third Entry:

On 08/09/07 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

This whole sex thing really discourages me. I didn't learn what sex really was until age 19....unfortanately not by hands on experience. I see all my friends and other people having sex, getting married and all while I can't hardly even get a date even though I'm in excellent shape and "groomed." I try to be nice and considerate and all yet I can never get a (female) date. I am at least able to get some male action but I wish I could just once be with a girl. It kind of sucks to be a young adult like this and to have never been with a girl.

Yeah, I know I suck and a lot of people hate me...but there is hope for getting laid by the end of this year.

I'm working with Marilyn Manson, Decide, Cradle of Filth, Slayer, and Slipknot on this one......and meditating on Liber OZ to come up with some solution, some way of getting laid with a female by years end.

I've realized that it really is all about the Beautiful People....all about everyone hating people like me who are the "horrible people." Telling us "you suck"..."you can't be this way"......all of this is your fault......all of this abuse you went through is YOUR fault...stop whining.....you're just trying to shock.......you haven't really been through anything......"and I don't want you and I don't need you don't bother to resist or I'll beat you, it's not your fault that you're always wrong...you weaker one's are there to justify the strong...."

These days I'm able to have full confidence when approaching girls..I know that all the power I need is within me and that I am my own God...I don't need Bill Gothard's or some Charismatic Jesus People evangelical holy spirit bull**** system to have confidence and success. I didn't know this as a homeschool sheltered teenage boy but I now know that much of christianity is just for the dominionists/Council for National Policy groups to get money and further their political agendas. It's just so that church leaders can get rich, have power over people's live and take in tithes(so they can go buy Meth like Ted Haggard did or something to that effect).

Right now I'm listing to this Marilyn Manson song that says:
"Your christian world is an ashtray, we burn and coil like cigarettes.....
the nature of the leeches.......the virgins are feeling cheated...you've only spent a second of your life...
my world is unaffected..there is an end to this...don't say it isn't it's true.....I went to God just to see and I was looking at me, Saw heaven and hell were lies.....when I'm God....
Scar scar can you feel my Power?"

I believe that as we ex-gothardites/ex-christians heal we ill get this all figured out......Time's going to wash away all pain....

_________________________________________
I was born into this.....everything turns into sh**
the boy that you loved is the man that you fear......
Every man and every woman is a star

Forum Thread Number Eight:

First & Only Entry:

Editor's Note: The subject of this forum was "Crying all alone in pain in the nightmare of christianity....".

On 07/07/07 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

Note: This is a writing for who deal with insane sh**. This is not a writing for those who "have it all together." This is not a writing for those who "only want to think about happy things and feel better." People condemn these writings just because they were "too dark" and didn't want to acknowledge these things. Other people come and say things like "oh I know how you feel but if you just try hard to not think like this then you'll feel better" or "if you just get counseling then things will be better, believe me, I know what you're going through....."
First, the seeing a licensed therapist routine has already been done...there's no need to chant that tired line of advice.
Second, you probably do not know how people like me feel, so don't act like it. If you think you know about what people like me have been through and want to understand, then here's a razor blade. Drop me a line when you're done and we'll talk.

This writing was written down in early 2006.

For those of us who know about what it's like to grow up in christianity.......
for those who can't deal with hearing about people who have suffered at the hand of christianity .....
welcome to our nightmare.......

Editor's Note: The following was posted in an entry on another site included in the first posting on Matthew but I include it again due to the above introduction provided by Matthew.

Crying all alone in pain...losing all reserve….I can't wake up out of this nightmare........
Insane? Am I the only mother f***** with a brain?........

Maze...psychopathic daze...I create this waste
Back away from tangents, on the verge of drastic
ways...can't escape this place...I deny your face
Sweat gets in my eyes, I think I'm slowly dying

put me in a homemade cellar
put me in a hole for shelter
someone find me please, all I see is hate
I can hardly breathe and I can hardly take it!

HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN'TBREAKOUT!
lost...ran at my own cost...hearing laughter, scoffed
learning from the rush, detached from such and such
bleak...all around me, weak...listening, incomplete
I am not a dog, but I'm the one your dogging……

I am crying here in a buried kennel
I have never felt so final
Someone help me please, losing all reserve
I am f***ing gone, I think I'm fu**ing dying
HANDSONMYFACEOVERBEARINGICAN'TGETOUT!

You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something inside me......

Cut me! beat me! molest me! abuse me! @#%$ me! hate me! break me! Rape me! kill me! show me!
Here is my purity……
Enter this nightmare…..I am willing and able and never any danger to myself
Knowledge in my pain, knowledge in my pain, just....@#%$ acknowledge all my pain, acknowledge all my

pain.....knowledge in my pain......
Or was my tolerance a phase?
Empathy! out of my way!
I can't die.....I can't die.....I can't die.....trancing out into another dark reality as the pain

fades away....my purity.....
You all stare, but you'll never see
There is something in you I despise.....
have you ever seen God?......have you ever seen God?!
have you ever......

_________________________________________
freak on my antics and give me a choice
it doesn't matter if I give a sh** cause it's sh** that you gave me
Every man and every woman is a star

Forum Thread Number Nine:

First & Only Entry:

Editor's Note: The subject of this forum was "Honor Thy Parents".

On 07/22/07 - Chrstnghtmr wrote:

First, there is nothing necessarily wrong with cutting. People like us are already going to hell according to christians. Why should we worry about all these little moral rules when we're already going to spend eternity in hell for not following the "right religion"/"only true relationship with god?"

Why am I going to hell? First, I'm not perfect. Two, I'm an introvert. Three, I'm not popular enough to be a missionary with YWAM or any other church group. Four, I don't pay tithes at all. Five, I don't speak in tongues. Six, I don't worship Bill Gothard. Seven, I'm bisexual. Eight, I don't worship George W. Bush, Israel, and the Republican party. Nine, I believe that America was NOT founded by fundamentalist christians but rather founded for an esoteric purpose (as explained by Manly P. Hall in "America's Secret Destiny" and Paul Foster Case in "The Great Seal"). Ten, I listen to non-christian music(cradle of filth rocks!), watch pornography, and just simply cannot wait to meet this christian god/jesus so I can shove my d*** up his a**.

Really, there's nothing wrong with cutting, nor with suicide, we're already going to hell for some stupid sin and/or not following the "true version of christianity." If you follow Bill Gothard but don't speak in tongues and/or listen to that rock and roll devil music you are probably already worshiping Satan and allowing demons to possess/opress you and into your home. Seriously, I doubt cutting or suicide is going to "cause you to go to hell more."

As far as dealing with parents....I don't think the woman known as my mother really is my mother. She doesn't act like it. My "mother" is just a brainswashed church agent cun,t. The only reason she had me was because she wanted a body/soul she could train into being the next Billy Graham, Bill Gothard, or Peter Wagner. I these idiots whine and complain about their broken homes and about how their mom wanted an abortion. Hell. I wish I was aborted but my mother wouldn't dare do that. She had a "special plan from the Lord" for me. No easy way out for me. Almost every f***ing day and at every church service the pastors and our parents would tell me and the other youth that "God has a very special plan for this generation.....don't break any rules or you'll miss out!!! Honor and OBEY your parents and the pastors("god's annointed") or your life will be cursed and you'll open a doorway for demons!"

I haven't been back to that church and group for a while. I told my mother earlier this year "listen here you little cu,nt, I'm not afraid of any of you christians, and I like screwing men, and I wouldn't mind having a threesome in front of you and dad......hell.....I jack off right here in front of you !@#$%....I'm not afraid of any of your copied wannabe new age charismatic church prophetic powers" and then I told her "listen, I'd be glad to face off against any of your fake church prophetsm, we'll see who's spirituality is REAL.....c,unt"

She just ran over to her room and I went back to my place. I already told her "hey, bit,ch, using drugs, alcohol and having gay sex, I'm just trying to do what any Christian pastor would do, at least I'm not doing meth like Ted Haggard...but maybe I will try it and maybe I'll just OD on stuff just so I don't have to deal with you anymore......"

Yeah....she's left me alone ever since. Point is, don't let these motherf***ers brainwash you....they lie and live double lives while claiming to "have the true way." The most "spiritual power" these christians have is lower psychism and the altered states of mind that they work themselves into with their praise and worship. No, God doesn't give you cancer when you go out and have sex, or get drunk, or smoke a joint, or stop paying tithes. No, demons don't appear in your bedroom at night and posses your mind because you went to a gay dance club or called your mother a c,unt. In fact......none of that sh,it happens. I've left several messages for the christian god to "speak to me" if I'm on the wrong path with my life.......it's been over 2 years and all I ever get spiritualy is to stay on the path that i'm on. I even have one of the prayers from 2004 that I wrote down. No christian or bill gothard god/Jesus has gotten back to me, and yes, I do still read the bible on occassion as well as many other spiritual texts.

Have fun, live life and don't let these christian c,unts brainwash you. Cut if you will, think about suicide if you will, go to church if you will, be mormon if you will, get drunk and high and have sex if you will. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

____________________________________________________
Mister Crowley.....
Every man and every woman is a star

Tagged as: Bible, Christian, Chrstnghtmr, Colorado Shootings, Depression, Evangelical, Faith, Fundamentalism, God, Heavy Metal, Matthew Murray, Mr. Crowley, New Life Church, nghtmrchld26, Occult, Pentecostal, Religion, Sexuality, Ted Haggard, Youth With A Mission, YWAM

Daniel DiRito | December 12, 2007 | 4:33 PM | link | Comments (1)

Is Matt Murray DyingChild_65 & Sarah Chrstnnghtmr? genre: Do Not Resuscitate & Hip-Gnosis & Uncivil Unions

Rather that continue to update the prior posting, I've elected to create a new posting with a fourth and fifth update. I moved Update IV from the older posting so as to keep all the content related to Matthew's other possible online identities in one location.

UPDATE IV:

Editor's Note: The MySpace page linked below appears to have been taken down. At the moment, I do not know why the page has been disabled. Fortunately, I have screen shots of all of the content.

Sarah Chrstnnghtmr's MySpace Photo

It appears that Matthew also had a MySpace page...although it was identified to be the page of "Sarah's Chrstnnghtmr". Looking at the page and reading through the writings, it coincides with many of the entries Matthew posted on other sites and the song playing on the page is "Mr. Crowley"...which ties back to many of his other postings as does the list of favorite music which includes Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Slayer, Setherial, Deicide, Emperor, Naglfar, Marduk, Cradle of Filth, Cannibal Corpse, King Diamond, Mercyful Fate, Danzig, Mystic Circle, Shape of Despair, Dark Funeral.

She/He also lists favorite books which tie back to some of his entries at the other sites. Included in her/his list of books are 777, LIBER 220, LIBER XV, Liber ABA, LIBER 418, Liber 414, The Secret Doctrine, Isis Unveiled, Voice of the Silence, Long Hard Road Out of Hell - Marilyn Manson.

I found one particularly interesting entry on the MySpace page. It is an entry titled "Welcome To Our Christian Nightmare", and it appears to have been posted on June 5, 2006. What makes it so interesting is that it is the same story Matthew refers to in a posting at Ex-Pentecostal Forums. In that September 30, 2007 posting, he identifies the story as "A friends experience of growing up in The Nightmare" and explains it as follows:

"One of my friends wrote this. She was raised in a non-denominational/pentecostal+Charismatic household and church and is currently a young adult living on her own."

What is unclear is whether this is Matthew's story or actually a story about someone he may have known or someone...like Sarah...who he created to tell his story as a female...or to simply tell a fictional story (Matthew wanting to post his creative work). I took note of the fact that she/he refers to "Our" Christian Nightmare in the title of the entry. I suspect this wasn't an accident.

I also noticed that in Sarah's bio section, it states "Not Sure" in the section designated for sexual orientation. Sarah also notes she is a member of a group identified as "All Real Lesbians And Bisexuals & Beatiful (sp) Girls"...but the link doesn't seem to be working.

One of my first takes on this MySpace page ties back to another remark Matthew makes in an entry on one of the other sites. In that entry he muses, "What does it take to get laid?" (may not be an exact quotation). Perhaps Matthew thought he might be able to meet girls by posing as a "questioning" female? At the very least it seems like an avenue for an introverted 20 something male to try and expand his circle of acquaintances.

Part of me also suspects his plan included an anticipation that people would attempt to connect the dots he carefully laid out as part of what I would characterize as an elaborate alter-identity, alter-world which people would discover after his death. I'll need to ponder this further before making any definitive statement.

UPDATE V:

It seems that Matthew also posted comments at alt.suicide.holiday under the name "DyingChild_65". Many of the entries are the same ones he posted on other sites so I've only included two which I found to be significant. What struck me about the Dec 9 entry below is his reference to the documentary Jesus Camp.

For those who haven't seen it, the documentary focuses upon children who are sent to camp to become better soldiers of God. Ted Haggard is prominently featured in the piece which may assist in explaining how Matthew decided to target New Life Church. The fact that Matthew refers to Haggard as a favorite minister of his mother seems to support this argument.

I can't confirm if Matthew attended any such programs at New Life Church or any other location...though it wouldn't surprise me if he received this type of training at some point. Haggard's subsequent fall may have added to Matthew's growing disenchantment...a fact evidenced by the Nov 27 posting in which he lists a number of religious figures and then proceeds to assail them and their actions.

The Marilyn Manson video in the Nov 27 entry seems to support his growing sense of alienation...as well as his simmering anger at those who "fit in".

Nov 27, 2:30 am DyingChild_65 wrote:

Joyce Meyer, Peter Wagner, Ted Haggard, Jimmy Bakker, Jerry Falwell,
godhatesfags.org, Richard/Oral Roberts, James Dobson, John Bevere,
Tommy Tenny, Cindy Jacobs, Earl Paulk, Ken Ham, Heidi Baker/Iris
Ministries, John MacArthur, David Wilkerson, Paula White, Dave
Hunt/Berean Call, Kenneth Hagin, David Yonggi Cho, Charles Stanley, D
James Kennedy, Jan and Paul Crouch, Dutch Sheets, Benny Hinn, Paul
Cain, Tim Lahaye and all the Left Behind end times "Jesus is returning
soon!" bullshit, Chuck Pierce, Stan Johnson/Prophecy Club, Gary Ezzo,
Bill Gothard....and all the other televangelists and pastors, and
christian followers......

We see all these christians trying to force their beliefs,
pseudo-morality and bulls*** on everyone(usually for money and power),
telling everyone they need to "repent, send us money, and obey our
interpretations of the bible" so they can be let into heaven, have
their imaginary sins "forgiven" and not be sent to hell by their
"loving" pseudo-God.

Tell me, just like Marilyn Manson asks.....do you really want to go to
a place that's filled with a bunch of.... assholes?

Sorry but there's no such thing as heaven and hell nor "original sin."
Christians can't even figure out their own doctrines....they're still
arguing over whether or not you can lose your "salvation" or not.
Christians can't even agree on whether or not Christian Contemporary
Music is a sin or whether or not to "speak in tongues"
plus......there's a gazillion different versions of how Jesus is going
to return and whether there's even a rapture or not.........

The worst slave of all is the prick who indulges openly in no
pleasures at all in order that he may be considered "virtuous" or
"respectable" and these Christians who "have religion" / "a relationship
with God" and want to see every one else in the same deplorable state
of senile decay so that they may not feel quite so much out of place
in the world.......

These are fools that men adore; both their Gods & their men are fools.
Come forth, o children, under the stars, & take your fill of love!
I am the Snake that giveth Knowledge and Delight and bright glory, and
stir the hearts of men with drunkenness. To worship me take wine and
strange drugs whereof I will tell my prophet, & be drunk thereof! They
shall not harm ye at all. It is a lie, this folly against self. The
exposure of innocence is a lie. Be strong, o man! lust, enjoy all
things of sense and rapture: fear not that any God shall deny thee for
this.

Despise also all cowards; professional soldiers who dare not fight,
but play; all fools despise!
But the keen and the proud, the royal and the lofty; ye are brothers!

The key of joy is disobedience

"We will no longer be oppressed by the fascism of christianity"

Dec 9, 9:34 am DyingChild_65 wrote:

thank you to all you christians who've made me this way....you've
added to the rage........I'm just so full of hate now and I love
it............forcing all your religious bullshit down my throat all
these fuckin years with your dominionist christian agenda....like in
Jesus Camp.....well...the abuse ends NOW.........give me one good
reason why I should show ANY mercy and compassion for ANY of you
idiots........you christians never showed me any mercy nor
compassion.........
me, I still believe in a loving God....but not the christian god who
is full of hate....and never did anything at all all these years while
I've cried out for answers for spiritual truth.......your christian
God never did one thing about any of the abuse me and my christian
friends went through..........why the f*** should I care about any
morals?

Mankind in his insatiable search for divine
Knowledge has discarded all biblical teachings
Realizing that the strength of religion is the repression of
knowledge
All structures of religion have collapsed
Life prays for death
in the wake of the horror of these revelations
It was never imagined how graphic the reality that would
be known as the end of creation would manifest itself
We believe all this chaos and atrocity can be traced
Back to one single event.....

We hold these truths to be painfully self-evident
All men are not created equal
Only the strong will prosper
Only the strong will conquer
Only in the darkness of Christ have I realized
God Hates Us All!!!!!!

Drones since the dawn of time
Compelled to live your christian sheltered lives
Not once has anyone ever seen
Such a rise of pure hypocracy
I'll instigate I'll free your mind
I'll show you what I've known all this time

God Hates Us All!!!!! God Hates Us All!!!!
You know it's true God hates this place
You know it's true he hates this race

Homicide.......Suicide
Hate heals, you should try it sometime
Strive for Peace with acts of war
The beauty of death we all adore
I have no faith distracting me
I know why your prayers will never be answered

God Hates Us All; God Hates Us All
He Fuckin' hates me
Pessimist, Terrorist targeting the next mark
Global chaos feeding on hysteria
Cut throat, slit your wrist, shoot you in the back fair game
Drug abuse, self abuse searching for the next high
Sounds a lot like hell is spreading all the time
I'm waiting for the day the whole world @#%$ dies

I never said I wanted to be God's disciple
I'll never be the one to blindly follow!!!!!

Man made virus infecting the world....
Self-destruct human time bomb
What if there is no God would you think the fuckin' same
Wasting your life in a leap of blind faith
Wake the @#%$ up can't ignore what I say
I got my own philosophy
I hate everyone equally
You can't tear that out of me
No segregation -separation
Just me in my world of enemies
I never said I wanted to be God's disciple
I'll never be the one to blindly follow
I'll never be the one to bear the cross-disciple

I reject this f***in' race!!!!!
I despise this f***in' place!!!!!!
_____________________________
Mister Crowley.......

Tagged as: Christian, Colorado Shootings, DyingChild_65, Evangelical, Fundamentalism, Heavy Metal, Matthew Murray, Mr. Crowley, MySpace, New Life Church, nghtmrchld26, Occult, Pentecostal, Religion, Sarah's Chrstnnghtmr, Ted Haggard, Youth With A Mission, YWAM

Daniel DiRito | December 12, 2007 | 12:28 PM | link | Comments (2)

December 11, 2007

Matthew Murray: nghtmrchld26...In His Own Words genre: Do Not Resuscitate & Hip-Gnosis & Uncivil Unions

Matthew Murray

As most of you know, it has been determined that Matthew Murray was the shooter in two incidents at religious organizations in Colorado which left five people dead...including Murray.

The following entries are Matthew Murrays postings on an internet site where ex-pentecostals share their thoughts and experiences. Aside from the first entry, I've attempted to organize them in date order so the reader is able to follow the progression of his thoughts and his obviously spiraling hopelessness and depression. Let me be clear...I don't offer this observation as a defense for Murray's actions...they cannot be justified. Rather, it is an opportunity for us to learn more about the dynamics which lead these individuals to such heinous acts.

The first entry includes a music video which I think is fundamental to understanding the mechanics involved in these individuals attempts to dissociate themselves from their religious upbringings. I contend that the imagery in this song...though seen by Matthew and others as a means to rebel against or reject their religious ideology...is in fact still attached to the constructs and notions that were found in their faith.

Further, the imagery in both (their prior faith and their newfound anti-faith) is a manifestation of extremes...extremes that often preclude these individuals from achieving some semblance of balance in their lives. In essence, in order to achieve the freedom they seek and to break the ties of the belief system they've been raised to follow, they move towards the very images and ideations which they were presented as representative of the "other side"...images and ideations which are no more real than the ones they seek to reject.

Unfortunately, they often lack the means to visualize their rejection of faith in ways which would bring balance and a far more healthy world view. In the end, the place they arrive is little more than a rejection construct populated by the same extreme concepts they seek to escape...ever steeped in the vividly defined notions of darkness which they have been instructed to resist.

I intend to offer additional observations and analysis of these writings but I wanted to first get them published so Thought Theater readers have an opportunity to ruminate on Murray's state of mind as well as the circumstances which contributed to his tragic decision.

NOTE: I’ve included more of my own thoughts at the end of the posting.

Subject: From the Cradle to Enslave - Music Video
Posted By: nghtmrchld26 Friend
Posted At: 10/29/07 8:52 pm
Reply

I saw this band in concert recently, They kicked a**.
Some people say this is "just entertainment," but for me, and some of my friends, the songs bands like this sing are VERY REAL, it's kind of something we can "see" and can feel and in a spiritual sense and we're able to "connect" "into" the music. Very powerful song.....

Editor's Warning: This video contains adult content, violence, & is rather disturbing.

Comment Thread Number One:

First Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 3
(1/14/07 2:17 am)
Reply

the "Council for National Policy" and evangelicals

I remember growing up in pentecostalism/evangelicalism, we were always told to support the republicans/conservatives and to "hate those evil satanic democrats." Jesus never said to put our trust in any political leader, yet we see so many christians trying sooooo hard to believe that "America was founded on fundamentalist evangelical christianity and we must turn america back towards God!!!(the evangelica/fundamentalist/pentecostal version nontheless)"

This ties right into what is known as Dominionism.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cou...nal_Policy

www.sourcewatch.org/index...nal_Policy

www.au.org/site/News2?pag...9&abbr=cs_

www.alternet.org/story/21372/

I find this "Council for National Policy" interesting.

One of the things I want to know is:

Why do these evangelical/pentecostal leaders condemn "the occult"/"freemasonry" yet they themselves are part of or at least completely ignore a group that itself has secret membership, secret meetings, and is invitation only.

Of course, this secretive christian/evangelical "CNP" group raises many questions.......

Second Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 39
(8/6/07 2:20 am)
Reply

Re: the "Council for National Policy" and evangeli

According to a WorldNetDaily columnist Rick Warren said in November 2006 that he was a member of a group called the "Council on Foreign Relations."

www.worldnetdaily.com/new...E_ID=53688

Note that I am not necessarily saying that Rick Warren and the CFR are bad or evil.

Third Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 37
(8/5/07 4:46 pm)
Reply

Re: the "Council for National Policy" and evangeli

Here is an ABCNews article on them:

"Meet the Most Powerful Conservative Group You've Never Heard Of"

abcnews.go.com/Politics/s...170&page=1

_________________________________________________
Mister Crowley.......

Comment Thread Number Two:

First Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 12
(3/14/07 8:52 pm)
Reply

pentecostal insanity regarding media/entertainment

Growing up, TV, Internet/computers, video games, music, Christian contemporary music, movies and books were all extremely restricted. All those things carried this……mystique about them. They were like these mythical things imbued with incredible power straight from Satan, all run by Satanist covens operating out of Hollywood, Washington D.C.(when Bill Clinton was in office), and abortion clinics. Except there was one problem…………the senior pastor and his close church friends and their families all watched TV/Cable TV, had the internet, listened to at least some non-Christian music and all listened to CCM, video games(including those satanic “T" and “M" rated ones), and all, especially the senior pastor, had “R" Movie collections. Me and some of the other non-elite church youth and members asked about these contradictions but never received any answers.

I still remember how we were told that “The Simpsons" was a very evil and Satanic TV show with the intent of causing people to leave Christianity (as if that’s a bad thing). As a teenager my mother had the TV tuner removed by a TV technician so that it could only receive from the AV inputs, meaning, could only watch VHS and DVDs. I remember me and the other church youth would go over to the Senior pastor’s house and ask to watch the very same movie that his 10 year old son or daughter had told us they’d watch and be told “sorry guys, that’s rated ‘R,’ it’s not Godly." Of course we’d ask “but then why do you have it?" Sometimes he’d lie, other times he’d just say “sorry…you can’t."

I remember wanting to listen to Christian music and be told by my parents and other church members that we couldn’t, EVEN THOUGH the senior pastor’s and other church leader’s families did.

Internet was treated as one of Satan’s special weapons in the “end-times" to promote sex(which everyone knows is of the Devil…..) Everyone was terrified that one of us teenagers might get a glimpse of a naked body and become demon possessed. This always confused me for how can viewing what God designed be satanic at the same time? And if we “lust" are the demons able to read our thoughts and somehow know to seize upon us? Isn’t it possible to see nudity without lusting somehow? Of course, the senior pastor’s two oldest children, one male the other female, got someone pregnant and got pregnant; the other two younger ones were proven to be sexually active. Other church leader’s children were sexually active.

Music was VERY restricted of course. We got all kinds of lectures on how Satanist covens had some kind of backmasking technology and were partnered with all the artists, including Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Britney Spears, Madonna and N’sync. Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith were said be in on it too…even though the “elite" members of the church listened to them. Growing up, I was restricted to listening to….sermons on the radio or through tapes.

Books were VERY restricted. We were only allowed to read Christian books and forced to memorize the bible. When Harry Potter came out we were all given lectures about how “we’re living in the end times and Satan is trying to capture the children and make them all witches!!!!" I knew of a few people who got harassed for letting their kids read Harry Potter.

I remember with all these different forms of media it was like I was always in Mission Impossible. We were either at church or being brainwashed in Christian home school. When we did have free time…we were either forced to pray, read the bible, do chores, or…..well nothing since we were not allowed to do anything. We were all being trained to “become the future of Christianity." “The chosen generation that is going to turn America back to God in these last days."

“The chosen generation who are going to become great prophets and pastors and evangelists and missionaries in the world."

“The chosen generation who are going to take over the world and do away with everyone else’s false satanic religion and take dominion until Jesus returns!!!!!!"

Well, I got all fed up with the insanity, hypocrisy, conflicting doctrines, the and lack of absolute answers in regards to “salvation," heaven and hell and other theological issues, the child abuse, brainwashing, lies, gossip, scandals, threats and fear mongering. I got tired of always hearing “oooohh, you’re saved by grace, not by works!" “Everybody loves you! Jesus loves you!" only to hear about how I was going to hell for watching “The simpsons" or could lose my salvation and could never be certain if 30 years from now I might lose it due to some odd sin and die in an accident and end up in this eternal hell preached to us day and night.

Me, I found a new Law to live by and I realized……I don’t have to be abused nor submit to these liars and their lies nor do I have to be afraid of this make-believe hell and false theory of salvation which no fundamentalist Christian could ever give solid answers on.

Me and many others are waking up.
We will rise up above and against these abuses against humanity.
Men will no longer be ruled by fear and superstition, oppressed by bigotry and tyranny.

______________________________________________
Every man and every woman is a star

Edited by: nghtmrchld26 at: 3/15/07 8:43 am

Second Entry:

nghtmrchld26
Friend
Posts: 13
(3/16/07 7:21 am)
Reply

Re: pentecostal insanity regarding media/entertainment

Yeah Diamond girl, when I was a teenager my mother would do a pat down to check for music, DVDs and video games whenever I came out of an electronics store l