Tongue-In-Cheek: February 2008: Archives

February 27, 2008

The Onion: Gays Too Precious For Military Service genre: Gaylingual & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

The Onion chimes in on gays in the military with a fuax general explaining that gays are too special to be placed in combat. According to General McBrayer, each gay individual is worth seven soldier's lives.

While the video is a spoof on the policy of Don't Ask Don't Tell, the actual rationale to prevent gays from serving in the military is also a joke...though not nearly as funny...or coherent.

Tagged as: Comedy, DADT, Gay, Gays In The Military, Homophobia, Humor, The Onion

Daniel DiRito | February 27, 2008 | 9:32 AM | link | Comments (0)
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February 23, 2008

Bill Maher: New Rules 02/22/08 genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

This week Bill tackles the endless "My Friends" mantra of John McCain, the connection between hesitating to put a DVD in the player and a sexless marriage, the absurdity of chasing wild animals around, and his dislike of red meat...at least the edible variety.

He goes on to offer Hillary Clinton a campaign suggestion...go get drunk with the voters. He then puts to rest the comparisons of Lindsey Lohan to Marilyn Monroe, and he closes by suggesting America follow the example of Cuba and put a "brother" in charge.

Tagged as: Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Cuba, Fidel Castro, George Bush, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Lindsay Lohan, Marilyn Monroe, New Rules, Raul Castro, Red Meat, Vegetarian

Daniel DiRito | February 23, 2008 | 4:34 PM | link | Comments (0)
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February 21, 2008

McCainometrics: Yes He Can...If You're Young & Pretty? genre: Polispeak & Tongue-In-Cheek

Blackboard.jpg

Honestly, I couldn't care less if John McCain is a womanizer. If so, that puts him on par with most of his colleagues and many of his fellow citizens. Frankly, if he is, it's not a predictor of competence and it shouldn't automatically disqualify a candidate from consideration. Nonetheless, it may make sense to seek an understanding of the behaviors that might accompany an individual's propensity to engage in such escapades.

I've known men that are virtually unable to function without the prospect of a budding relationship...whether married or not. Men of this ilk are prisoners of their prurient pursuits. They are apt to make compromising decisions that jeopardize their existing relationships as well as their own well-being. Money is often no object and they will frequently take unwise and unwarranted risks. Hence, when these individuals are in the throes of their latest interlude, their judgment is not only suspect; it may well be incorrigible.

As I read the accounts of Senator McCain's involvement with lobbyist Vicki Iseman, I immediately recalled watching an episode of Headliners and Legends chronicling his life. The pursuit of women was a persistent theme of the biography...a pattern not only confirmed by friends of McCain; but also by McCain himself.

In one particular segment of the program, McCain basically states that he and his fellow servicemen were preoccupied with seeking female companionship. While understandable given the circumstances, the manner in which the Senator recounted the story immediately reminded me of my discomfort with his habit of winking at people on the campaign trail. Instinctually, both instances strike me as part and parcel of a persona I might be inclined to suspect is focused on the pursuit of the opposite sex...a behavior set I would equate with a tendency towards objectification.

As the biography progresses, the narrator notes that McCain's first wife Carol waited patiently for his release from his captors only to see their marriage fall apart as a result of the Senator's many extramarital dalliances. When asked about that period of time, McCain's former wife, a victim of a disabling car accident, apparently told others that once her husband turned forty, he decided he wanted to be twenty five again. Hence, he divorced his first wife and soon married his much younger (and wealthy) current wife Cindy.

In the biography, McCain speaks about his affairs and while he accepts blame and acknowledges his actions were inappropriate, he also posits that he was motivated by "selfishness and immaturity". In my way of thinking, I could entertain giving him the benefit of the doubt had he suggested that his actions may have been a reaction to his years of confinement and the denial it certainly included. To his credit, he refuses to offer that rationale, though it's possible he did so because it wouldn't square with his history of womanizing prior to his stint in Vietnam.

Returning to the New York Times report, I was particularly struck by the following excerpt:

A female lobbyist had been turning up with him at fund-raisers, visiting his offices and accompanying him on a client's corporate jet. Convinced the relationship had become romantic, some of his top advisers intervened to protect the candidate from himself -- instructing staff members to block the woman's access, privately warning her away and repeatedly confronting him, several people involved in the campaign said on the condition of anonymity.

What troubles me about this revelation is the sense, by his advisors, that the Senator was capable of sabotaging his own campaign. Presumably, the advisors had a good sense of their candidates idiosyncrasies...a fact that seems to have led them to conclude the Senator lacked the proper judgment with regard to romantic involvements. Whether this caution resulted from prior experiences wasn't revealed...but it isn't much of a stretch to draw that conclusion given the Senator's self-confessed track record.

So where does that leave us? Well, as is so often the case with such stories, we're forced to rely upon the speculations of others. Clearly, the Senator's history has contained instances of a similar nature and he freely admits as much. Whether he does so to help him arrive at the current straight talking maverick war hero image may never be known...though he wouldn't be the first public figure to craft a message that masks the actual man. Lastly, he can ill-afford to acknowledge an infidelity or an influence peddling impropriety at this critical juncture in his political life. Such is the nature of the political beast.

Rather than focus on this current assertion, I decided to have a little fun developing my own theory of McCain-ometrics. First, some background facts are needed. In 1965, at the age of 29, McCain married his first wife. In 1979, 14 years later, at the age of 43, McCain began courting his future second wife. In 1980 he left his first wife, who was 2 years his junior, for his new 27 year old wife...17 years younger. Nearly 20 years later, in 1999, at the age of 62, McCain is reported to have become "involved" with a 31 year old woman who was also roughly 31 years younger than he.

So here's the formula and a riddle. John McCain spends 14 years with his first wife (Carol)...and then finds a new love interest (Cindy in 1979 - 1980)...and then, down the road, in approximately half again more years...minus one...(14 + 7 - 1 = +20 = 1999), he finds Vicki. Simultaneously, he doubles the net age difference between himself and each subsequent (love) interest...going from a baseline of a woman 2 years younger (Carol) to one 17 years younger (Cindy) for a net of 15 additional years younger...which means we must double the 15 year age gap to predict that the subsequent (love) interest would be approximately 30 years younger (Vicki 31, John 62 in 1999). Let's also assume that John McCain doubles the years he stays married to each wife...plus one...thus 14 years with Carol x 2 + 1 = 29 years with Cindy. As such, he should be due for both a new (love) interest and wife in 2009 (14 + 7 - 1 = +20 plus half again more (minus one) = 20 + 10 - 1 = +29 years...or 2009).

OK, so if one applies this formula, how old would you approximate his new (love) interest and bride to be when he marries her and how many years would you anticipate he'd remain married (assuming he lives that long, of course) to this third wife?

You see, when it comes to the "evil" New York Times, I just hate to think that Republicans would conclude that its tawdry invective can't be substantiated through a mathematical metric. I know I feel better having put pencil to paper.

P.S. Feel free to offer your answers...or your own equations in the comments. I'll provide the answer derived from my metric in the comments at the end of the day.

Tagged as: 2000 Presidential Campaign, 2008 Election, Adultery, Divorce, Headliners & Legends, Humor, Influence Peddling, John McCain, Lobbyist, New York Times, Prisoner Of War, Psychology, Vicki Iseman, Vietnam

Daniel DiRito | February 21, 2008 | 9:49 AM | link | Comments (6)
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February 18, 2008

Mo Rocca Makes His Own "Obama Girl" Music Video genre: Polispeak & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Who knew Mo Rocca could carry a tune? In the following clip, Mo tears it up with his own Obama music video. The premise of Mo's little ditty is that Barack needs to win the Hispanic vote...so Mo decides some salsa is in order.

Mo doesn't stop there...take a look at the shirt he's wearing...now that's bedazzling...and he probably used his own BeDazzler! Unfortunately, he forgot to put on his pointy toed Old Gringo Valentino cowboy boots.

The funniest thing about the video is the fact that Mo sings his song with the same perfect syllabic enunciation he uses when he speaks. Regardless, he does a killer job of rolling his R's. You go Mo!

Tagged as: Barack Obama, BeDazzler, Hillary Clinton, Hispanics, Humor, La Bamba, Mo Rocca, Obama Girl, Old Gringo, Salsa, Spanish

Daniel DiRito | February 18, 2008 | 2:31 PM | link | Comments (0)
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Beyond Belief With Sean Hannity: 23 Minutes In Hell genre: Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

This video is an amazing demonstration of how far people of faith will go in their efforts to substantiate their beliefs. The fact that Sean Hannity narrates the piece is just icing on the cake.

In this video, a man recounts falling asleep and finding himself in hell for 23 minutes. Never mind that he is simply describing his dream. Apparently we are supposed to believe that the images in this man's dreams are a real representation of hell and proof that there is a God and a heaven and hell. Yea...I know I'm convinced.

I guess this is a good example of Fox's "we report, you decide" mantra. Suffice it to say that I've made my decision...these people are loons.

By the way, I had a dream last night that I went to hell and Fox News was the only available television station...and the programs of Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly were played on a continuous loop 24/7. Now that's one hellacious nightmare I wouldn't want to live.

Tagged as: Bill O'Reilly, Faith, Fanaticism, Fox News, Heaven, Hell, Humor, Religion, Sean Hannity

Daniel DiRito | February 18, 2008 | 1:58 PM | link | Comments (6)
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Bill Maher: New Rules 02/15/08 genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

The writer's strike is over...finally...and Bill Maher's New Rules is back. Given the number of New Rules, it's clear that the writers were doing more than walking the picket lines.

Maher takes on the baseball steroids scandal, the 2008 election, the recent killing of a Hezbollah terrorist (who happens to look like Rob Reiner), the cost of the war in Iraq, Mitt Romney's five sons and magic underwear, John McCain's age, and he closes with my favorite...the fact that we've only had one Catholic president, one bachelor president, and one retarded president.

Tagged as: Barack Obama, Bill Maher, George Bush, HBO, Hezbollah, Humor, John McCain, Mitt Romney, New Rules, Rob Reiner, Roger Clemons

Daniel DiRito | February 18, 2008 | 1:41 PM | link | Comments (0)
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February 8, 2008

The Daily Show: Mittens, Marriage, & Massachusetts genre: Gaylingual & Hip-Gnosis & Polispeak & Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

If you didn't see Mitt Romney's announcement that he is suspending his campaign, you missed the coup de grace of Mittens' prolific pandering. It seems that on the heels of contributing 35 million dollars to his campaign, repositioning himself on virtually every issue, and attempting to wipe away his record as the governor of Massachusetts, Mittens chose to feed all the red meat he could muster to the rapacious CPAC crowd.

I must say that Mittens "Not-Knute-Rocked-Me" right out of my knickers when he offered his illogical linkage of all that ails America with none other than gay marriage. Not only does Mittens connect gay marriage with moral decay, he infers that it is the final piece in the long progression from a responsible citizenry to a society filled with lazy welfare gamers who do little more than watch pornography while engaging in wanton sexual escapades that bear illegitimate children...and they do all of this without ever having to pay taxes.

All he needed to complete his cockeyed soliloquy...and what has to be viewed as the epitome of a compassionate Christian clusterfuck...was to assert that same-sex marriage is also responsible for the acceleration of illegal Mexican immigration. Poor Mittens...always one conservative criteria short of a trifecta.

Here's Mittens in his own words:

ROMNEY: In the 1960s, there were welfare programs that created a culture of poverty in our country. Now, some people think we won that battle when we reformed welfare. But the liberals haven't given up.

At every turn, they tried to substitute government largess for individual responsibility. They fight to strip work requirements from welfare, to put more people on Medicaid, and remove more and more people from having to pay any income tax whatsoever.

Dependency is death to initiative, risk-taking and opportunity. Dependency is culture killing. It's a drug. We've got to fight it like the poison it is.

(APPLAUSE)

ROMNEY: The attack on faith and religion is no less relentless. And tolerance for pornography, even celebration of it, and sexual promiscuity, combined with the twisted incentives of government welfare, have led to today's grim realities: 68 percent of African- American kids born out of wedlock, 45 percent of Hispanic kids, 25 percent of white kids.

How much harder it is for these kids to succeed in school and in life. A nation built on the principles of the founding fathers cannot long stand when its children are raised without fathers in the home.

(APPLAUSE)

ROMNEY: The development of a child is enhanced by having a mother and a father. Such a family is the ideal for the future of the child and for the strength of the nation.

I wonder how it is that unelected judges, like some in my state of Massachusetts, are so unaware of this reality, so oblivious to the millennia of recorded history.

It's time for the people of America to fortify marriage through a constitutional amendment, so that liberal judges cannot continue to attack it.

Fortunately, Jon Stewart has done a yeoman's job in deconstructing Mittens' moribund manifesto. Stewart focuses on Mittens assertion that he's withdrawing from the race in order to keep America safe from the terrorist onslaught that would result from a Democratic president's rush to admit and accept defeat> Mittens just can't allow himself to empower and encourage the terrorists...he loves America too much...not to mention that he loves his money and hasn't a chance in hell of winning the nomination.

In the end, I think Mittens should have run as an independent candidate...perhaps a Reconstructionist Republican? After all, who can name another politician with the ability to reconstruct his positions at the drop of a hat? Let's just hope that Mittens doesn't try to reconstitute himself into one of his remaining eight political identities. I'm of the opinion that it's best to let sleeping dogs...err...Mittens...lie. He does it so well!

Jon Stewart On The Mittens Appearance At CPAC

A Daily Show Classic On The Impact Of Gay Marriage

Tagged as: 2008 Election, Conservatism, CPAC, Humor, Immigration, Jon Stewart, LGBT, Massachusetts, Mitt Romney, Religious Right, Same-Sex Marriage, Terrorism, The Daily Show

Daniel DiRito | February 8, 2008 | 1:25 PM | link | Comments (0)
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February 5, 2008

Could AG Mukasey Be The First Fair-Minded Bush Appointee? genre: Gaylingual & Polispeak & Tongue-In-Cheek

Ice Skating Terrorists?

OK, maybe I'm giving him too much credit...but the actions on the part of Attorney General Michael Mukasey to insure fair treatment for the LGBT employees at the Department of Justice is certainly a welcome sign.

Going back to the early days of the infamous John Ashcroft tenure, and continuing through the Gonzales era, LGBT employees at the Department have been relegated to second class status. Under the prior two AG's, a gay advocacy group has been prohibited from using the email system, bulletin boards, and meeting rooms to exchange information, publicize events, and gather with its members. Fortunately, Mukasey has decided to reverse that practice.

Mukasey informed leaders of DOJ Pride last week that the department would give it the same rights as all other DOJ employee organizations, said the group's president, Chris Hook. In a statement, Mukasey said the department will "foster an environment in which diversity is valued, understood and sought" and maintain "an environment that's free of discrimination."

DOJ Pride and its 110 members had been barred from holding an annual Gay and Lesbian Pride Month celebration since 2003, when then-Attorney General John D. Ashcroft told the group that the Bush administration observed an unwritten policy of not sponsoring events without a presidential proclamation, Hook said. The group also was told it could not post notices of general meetings and events on department bulletin boards, he said.

"I do not know of any other employee-recognized groups that were denied access under these same conditions," Hook said. As a result of "what some would term a hostile environment for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender employees, the membership rolls have suffered."

"As you can imagine," he added, "it is difficult to let employees know of the group's existence when they are not informed of it in official department literature, or only through word of mouth." Hook said the group had more than 200 members when the ban was handed down in 2003.

Recently, when the group organized "DOJ Pride on Ice," a skating event, it was barred from placing a notice on the bulletin board in the department's headquarters building, Hook said. Other events such as meetings, forums and brown-bag discussions also could not be posted, he said.

Heaven knows that LGBT attendance at a skating event could undermine the Departments credibility...what with militant homosexuals wearing those "sharp" edged shoes and prancing around an ice rink. Maybe the groups organizers should have been waterboarded in order to give up their favorite potluck recipes?!

I have no idea if one can conclude that Mukasey will be an honorable Attorney General in light of his recent parsing on the issue of torture. He apparently has, at the very least, the decency to realize that a handful of homosexuals aren't a threat to the Department and national security.

Maybe the powers that be can now focus their attention on pursuing the real threats to America. Too bad Osama bin Laden isn't gay; perhaps he might have already been apprehended?

Tagged as: Alberto Gonzales, Department of Justice, Discrimination, DOJ, Gay, Homophobia, Humor, Ice Skating, John Ashcroft, LGBT, Michael Mukasey, Osama bin Laden, Torture, Waterboarding

Daniel DiRito | February 5, 2008 | 11:26 AM | link | Comments (0)
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