Thought Theater

In the aftermath of a week of bully pulpit ballyhoo from the GOP presidential candidates, I decided to address my disdain in the only manner which would allow me to stomach the subject...sarcasm.

Having watched Mitt Romney tell us the meaning of faith in America and listened to Mike Huckabee toss tactical banana peels at the Bostonian's (former Massachusetts liberal) forever flip-flopping feet, I found myself wondering which candidate would soon be sporting a wooden cross on his shoulder for the duration of the campaign.

Fortunately, there may well be a silver lining hidden in these holier than thou high jinks. By the time the GOP is done vetting it's candidates, the average fair minded American may find them to be far too extreme and far too beholding to their religious right-ocrites. We've all heard the expression "if you live by the sword, you die by the sword"...well...2008 may provide a worthy successor, "if you live by the lord, you die by the lord"...especially when you spend all of your time fighting about which lord to worship.

Moving on, the following is my offering to assist voters in determining how to qualify for entry into the GOP's evangelical enclave. Feel free to offer additional requirements and restrictions. I would hate to be accused of an act of omission...I've heard the punishment is ghastly...if you're not George Bush or an acceptable affiliate.

The Top Ten Ways To Identify An Evangelical Republican:

Number Ten:

They're opposed to sectarian conflict in Iraq but in favor of sectarian politics in the United States.

Number Nine:

They're opposed to homosexuality and same-sex relationships but they'll vote for a presidential candidate who does drag and lived with two gay men if he can beat Hillary Clinton and her "typically" unfaithful heterosexual husband.

Number Eight:

They wouldn't dare vote for a Clinton given Bill's disgraceful sexual antics in the White House but they're happy to support a candidate who used New York City funds to carry on an adulterous affair.

Number Seven:

They criticize Democratic candidates for suggesting they would only nominate pro-choice judges to uphold the law of the land while they require their own candidates to pass religious litmus tests in conflict with the law of the land.

Number Six:

They're in favor of abstinence only sex education even if it leads to more unwed teen pregnancies and more parent sponsored abortions (call it the evangelical version of NIMBY - not in my back yard; NIMBU - not in my babygirls uterus).

Number Five:

They're in favor of the separation of church and state if it involves opposing a congressional inquiry into the fundraising and spending habits of leading televangelists but opposed to the separation when it comes to selecting a presidential nominee.

Number Four:

They support candidates who endorse more funding for AIDS in Africa while embracing a candidate who favored quarantining AIDS patients in America as well as having Hollywood fund AIDS research instead of the government.

Number Three:

They tout Ronald Reagan as their political icon despite the fact that he was unable to acknowledge the toll of HIV on gays in America or even utter the word AIDS...while they and their church's now run around talking about saving Africa from the ravages of HIV...as long as it doesn't involve condoms.

Number Two:

They talk about their Christian values while they favor denying health care treatment to the children of illegal immigrants. Family values apparently stop at the waters edge (that would be the Rio Grande river).

Number One:

They'll never make enough money to truly benefit from George Bush's tax cuts for the rich or condemn his doubling of the national debt but they're happy to call the Democratic candidates who supported an increase in minimum wage and favor a national health care system unacceptable tax and spend liberals.

Bonus Qualifier:

They abhor the fact that Jesus was tortured, mocked, and condemned to death without due process but they're damn sure in favor of waterboarding and disregarding the principle of habeas corpus while indefinitely imprisoning war on terror detainees.

The following video clips provide Mike Huckabee's assertion that his surge is God's work (therefore proving Mitt Romney is a "Christian" imposter) and some candid discussion of Romney's faith speech (a speech that pales in comparison to the JFK speech).