Thought Theater

Is Your Child Really A Pagan? Take The Test Here genre: Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek

I just love Christian websites. They provide so much inspiration...for tongue-in-cheek sarcasm. I think I hit the mother lode today. The following questionnaire is intended as a tool for parents to insure that their children haven't become pagans or begun to stray from true Christian doctrine.

After all, Satan and his minions are constantly on the prowl for vulnerable and impressionable Christians. Should there be any doubt, one can simply take a look at all of the twisted and tortured Christian pastors and politicians who have been caught in compromising situations.

I've taken the opportunity to provide my own irreverent answers to these "important" questions. While my answers dramatically deviate from those provided on the site of origin, they might actually make you grin. Whether that makes you a pagan is open to debate.

Many of today's youth grow up in Christian churches, but are adopting very un-Christian beliefs. When we all stand before Him, will their names be found in the Lamb's Book of Life? Maybe it's time to re- check the status of your child's faith by asking these basic Christian doctrinal questions. Answer yes or no.

1. Must a person believe in Jesus, and Him alone, to spend eternity with God?

Yes, and the lodging fees must be paid in advance...MASTER CARD, VISA, & DISCOVER are accepted.

2. Do Native Americans, witches, and Muslims pray to the same God as Christians?

No, they've chosen a false god in order to offend and annoy the crap out of the really, really holy people.

3. Do all people go to heaven to be with God after they die?

No, some people actually go to heaven for the free food and drinks.

4. Do good people who have done their best on earth go to heaven?

Only if they failed to RSVP to their invitation to the biggest and best afterlife bash - Satan's Semi-Annual Sinners Soiree.

5. Can proud, practicing homosexuals be Christians?

While it's possible, it will hurt your homo street cred and it will certainly result in an asterisk being placed on your gay card and in your homosexual registration file.

6. Can people who have committed serious sins be truly saved by Jesus?

Yes, but if you're clever you may be able to avoid capture by the Jesus police and the subsequent mandatory enrollment in a rigorous reprogramming retreat.

7. Will there be a judgment for our sins after we die?

Yes, but I've heard that the devil offers pro-bono representation to minimize the penalties.

8. Was tolerance the greatest message of Jesus?

Yes, but that antiquated philosophy was soon replaced by a fire and brimstone message specifically designed to raise more cash.

9. Are homophobia, patriarchy and lack of reverence for the earth revealed to be sins in the Bible?

Absolutely not, God is a bigoted misogynist who owns a major share of all the leading carbon producing industries.

10. Is the Bible the Word of God?

It is now, but only because the original version, an epic opera, was destroyed in a massive fire started by a rival pagan musical troop.

11. Was Jesus present in the Old Testament?

He was, but he was dressed up as a woman who worked incognito at the Latin named precursor to Hooters - The AmplusPectus.

12. Will Christians make the world a great place before Jesus returns?

Yes, of course. After all they've hired all the best gay party planners, designers and interior decorators to spruce it up for his huge welcome back party.

13. Are all people the children of God?

Yes, but God doesn't like to talk about his numerous sexual escapades.

14. Is the best way to encounter God meditating and repeating a certain spiritual phrase over and over?

It totally depends on the phrase. The use of "Take me now God" is strictly prohibited. The preferred phrase would be "Dude, I don't have all day!"

15. Are Satan and demons real?

Yes, and they are rumored to be negotiating to form an evil alliance with fairies, witches, Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, unicorns, and stuffed animals.

16. Are all powerful, beautiful spiritual experiences from God?

Absolutely not, only those induced by naturally occurring hallucinogens are from God.

17. Can a true believer pray to Jesus or God in female form, such as a goddess?

Oh my Mary, of course not! Women were only created to allow for the virgin birth of Jesus...and to serve their slovenly men.

18. Should Christians participate in services for Allah?

Only those who have received the proper credentials to work undercover for the GBI (God's Bureau of Investigation) may participate in such services. Protocol does require that they carry a rosary.

19. Would a true Christian believe in reincarnation?

Only if they have first mastered the art of exorcism and can prove that they are fluent in the speaking of tongues. Of course one can only be reincarnated as a human of the same gender since cross-gender reincarnation can result in harmful homosexual tendencies.

20. Did God create the world rather than it happening by chance?

That's a tough question. What happened is that God was playing a game of chance (poker) with the devil and when he didn't have the cash to pay up, Satan settled for the idea of God creating a devil's playground for him to enjoy.