Tongue-In-Cheek: August 2007: Archives

August 31, 2007

Code Blue: Judge Rules Gays Can Marry In Iowa genre: Gaylingual & Hip-Gnosis & Polispeak & Tongue-In-Cheek

Rinse Away The Gay

Iowa evangelicals were undoubtedly shocked and alarmed by the ruling of Polk County Judge Robert Hanson. The ruling states that Iowa's ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional and orders that the six plaintiff couples be granted marriage licenses. In his ruling, Judge Hanson argued that the Iowa Constitution provides for equal protection and due-process and that the passage of Iowa's Defense Of Marriage act violates that provision.

The ruling will be appealed and the attorney for Polk County is expected to seek a stay until the decision has been reviewed by a higher court...likely the Iowa Supreme Court.

The ruling will certainly add a new wrinkle to Iowa's presidential primary. Clearly, candidates who may have sought to limit their comments on the subject will now be forced to weigh in on the ruling...which will certainly increase the attention placed upon the outcome of the states primary.

From The Des Moines Register:

Polk County is expected to appeal the ruling to the Iowa Supreme Court.

County Attorney John Sarcone said the county would immediately seek a stay from Hanson, which if granted would prevent anyone from seeking a marriage license until an appeal could be heard.

The case will be appealed to the Iowa Supreme Court, which could refer it to the Iowa Court of Appeals, consider the case itself or decide not to hear the case.

Des Moines lawyer Dennis Johnson represented the six gay couples who filed suit after they were denied marriage licenses. He called the ruling "a moral victory for equal rights."

Johnson argued that Iowa has a long history of aggressively protecting civil rights in cases of race and gender. He said the Defense of Marriage Act, which the Legislature passed in 1998, contradicts previous court rulings regarding civil rights and should be struck down.

From Yahoo News:

With the decision of a county judge to strike down Iowa's law banning same-sex marriages, the state becomes a front-line battleground in America's ongoing political wrestling match over gay and lesbian rights.

Democratic and Republicans candidates will not be able to campaign in Iowa -- as all will be doing in coming days and weeks -- without addressing the ruling and the broader issue of same-sex marriage.

Of course, most of the candidates have already done this with varying degrees of specificity. But now they will be thrust into the center of a real-life struggle in a state where they will be spending a great deal of time between now and the day in December or January when Iowa's first-in-the-nation caucuses are held.

Both Democratic and Republican candidates will be forced to offer specific responses to precise legal arguments, as well as to the very human demands of men and women in Iowa who have gone public with their struggle for the right to marry their partners.

The equal protection clause has been used in other similar rulings. Perhaps the most notable was the ruling in Colorado striking down Amendment Two. The amendment was passed by voters in 1992, stayed from being enacted by Judge Bayless in December of that year, and subsequently ruled unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court.

I decided to have a little fun with the ruling and the evangelicals who will certainly be mobilizing to protect the institution of marriage from the destructive influences of same-sex unions. The following is a list of suggestions designed to protect the marriages of evangelicals...which they may want to enact until such time as the ruling can be stayed or stricken down by a higher court.

Rumor has it that wearing a necklace of corn cobs will ward off the negative and evil influences one may experience when encountering a married homosexual.

Evangelical women should encourage their husbands to avoid any possibilities of being identified as a metro-sexual...such men are prime targets for conversion efforts.

Evangelical men must monitor the television their wives are watching during the day. The militant homosexuals have infiltrated daytime programming in order to convert unsuspecting women of faith. Under no circumstances should evangelical women be allowed to watch Ellen or The View. While the V Chip was intended to monitor the programs viewed by children, husbands are encouraged to utilize the device to prohibit the watching of inappropriate programs by vulnerable wives.

Evangelical businesses are encouraged to remove all coffee tables and coffee table books and magazines from their waiting areas as it may attract married homosexuals.

Evangelical males who may be traveling by airplane are encouraged to avoid the use of airport restrooms...there are concerns that heterosexual men may be vulnerable to the lure of these palatial potties. Women should encourage their husbands to use the bathroom before departing the home and not again until they are on the plane. Evangelical women need not worry about the sex their husbands have on a plane as the Mile High Club currently prohibits the formation of a homosexual affiliate. Notwithstanding, there are concerns that a secret sect of stewards are planning to form a similar club called "In The "O" Zone". Please check back for updates.

In extreme situations, it may be necessary for husbands to hire the services of a prostitute. Recent research by Senator Vitter of Louisiana suggests that a threatened marriage can be renewed by such measures...and it has an added communal effect which was evidenced by the standing ovation the senator received upon his return to Washington. He is a true champion of heterosexual marriage. Thought Theater has learned from an anonymous source that the Senator will announce a new campaign designed to defend marriage...the campaign is called "Marriage: One Man, One Woman, & A Shit Load Of Hookers".

A word of caution to the wives of evangelical ministers. Under no circumstances should you allow your husbands to travel out of town on trips that require an overnight stay or time alone. It is being reported that information provided by hotel staff and informational literature found in hotel rooms has been co-opted by militant homosexuals. Completely innocent massages have been reported to lead to man on man sex and the use of illicit drugs which are designed to convert the unsuspecting minister. Those who doubt the veracity of this warning need only be reminded of the fall of well-known Colorado Springs minister, Ted Haggard.

Lastly, should your spouse lose their way and succumb to the tireless efforts of the homosexual agenda...fear not. The same program that restored Ted Haggard in a matter of a few weeks is being made available to the people of Iowa on a priority basis. If you suspect your spouse has fallen, please contact Gay-B-Gone and they will forward you a trial sample of their revolutionary product Rinse-Away-The-Gay...a quick penetrating shampoo that will leave your spouse tingling from the infusion of the holy spirit...and you feeling confident that your betrothed is on the road to recovery. Call now...the phones are staffed by sympathetic and satisfied customers.

Tagged as: 2008 Primary, David Vitter, Evangelicals, Iowa, Larry Craig, LGBT, Same-Sex Marriage, Ted Haggard

Daniel DiRito | August 31, 2007 | 10:01 AM | link | Comments (0)
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Mo Rocca Asks "Have You Googled Yourself?" genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

I've always felt Mo Rocca was one of the most underrated comics in the business. Perhaps that's a function of my interest in politics and the fact that Rocca is as knowledgeable as most of the news reporters we see on television. Even better, his skill at deadpan comedy in a political setting is unmatched.

Rocca has covered a lot of territory in is career; having worked as a correspondent on The Daily Show, worked on Larry King Live as a consultant/political historian, and now as a feature player on The Tonight Show. He also appears on PBS, VH1, The Food Network, and has a regular show on Sirius Satellite Radio.

His work during the 2004 Democratic and Republican conventions is some of his best. Besides being quite funny, his knowledge of U.S. presidents is extensive and the fact that he wrote a book on the pets of the presidents titled, All the Presidents' Pets: The Inside Story of One Reporter Who Refused to Roll Over, only adds to his comic depth.

The following video clip is of Mo asking people on the street if they've ever "googled" themselves. As one might expect, Mo livens up the questioning with a few strategically placed innuendo's and double entendre's.

Tagged as: Google, Humor, Mo Rocca

Daniel DiRito | August 31, 2007 | 9:10 AM | link | Comments (0)
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August 29, 2007

Keith Olbermann Reenacts The Larry Craig Arrest genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Keith Olbermann uses the actual police report from the arrest of Senator Larry Craig to create a video reenactment of the incident. Nothing like pictures to tell a story.

Perhaps the Senator can get his hands on a video camera and produce his own reenactment. It couldn't be any more harmful than his "thanks for coming out" press conference.

On second thought, I'm not sure the Senator wants to be seen in a men's restroom with a video camera...after all, there must be a limit to the times a guy can deny that he's gay.

Dragnet: Larry Craig

Tagged as: Countdown, Keith Olbermann, Larry Craig, LGBT, Minneapolis Airport, U.S. Senate

Daniel DiRito | August 29, 2007 | 8:17 PM | link | Comments (0)
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Tucker Carlson: His Neurotic Fear Of Neutering genre: Gaylingual & Hip-Gnosis & Tongue-In-Cheek

We live in a messed up world. We have an anti-gay Senator from Idaho sending signals and playing footsie with an undercover male police officer in a Minneapolis airport restroom which is reportedly known for secret sexual encounters.

Not to be outdone, we have Tucker Carlson telling the tale of being "bothered" by another man in a restroom while in high school...an incident which he contends forced him to race out of the bathroom and seek out a friend to return with him to "accost" the gay man.

The video follows.

But wait, it doesn't stop there. Tucker has a seeming obsession with protecting his manhood. On several occasions during his MSNBC program, Tucker has indicated that simply seeing or hearing certain people will lead him to "involuntarily cross his legs"...an inference that there are individuals who would willingly emasculate him. The funny thing, most of these people are women...such as Hillary Clinton and Nancy Grace.

On a new gadget called a Hillary Nutcracker:

CARLSON: I don't know, but that is so perfect. I have often said, when she comes on television, I involuntarily cross my legs.

During a discussion about Hillary Clinton:

CARLSON: Boy, she scares me. I cross my legs every time she talks, every time. Pat Buchanan, Melinda Henneberger, thank you very much. No, it's true. It's involuntary. I don't mean it, but I do every single time.

CARLSON: Oh, every time, involuntarily. It's like those pictures you see of the soccer goalie when they're about to get the free kick. That's me when she talks. I can't help it.

On Nancy Grace:

CARLSON: I don't want to be on a long car trip with her. She scares me. I cross my legs involuntarily every time she comes on the air.

Nope, not finished yet. On August 10th, while interviewing Brad Luna of the Human Rights Campaign regarding the Logo/HRC Democratic Candidate Forum, the discussion shifted to John Edwards and his answer to a question about how he would react to having a transgender employee. Carlson quickly focused upon...yep, you got it...his "boys" and the terror he associates with the thought of their removal.

Given Tucker's preoccupation, it seemed appropriate to offer my own list of situations and circumstances that lead Mr. Carlson to inadvertently cross his legs.

Number Ten

Using one egg to crack open another.

Number Nine

Seeing a squirrel scurrying up a tree with a mouth full of acorns.

Number Eight

Watching his children play with their wacky clackers.

Number Seven

Peeling and removing the seed from an overripe avocado.

Number Six

Watching the neighborhood kids playing with their hackey sacks.

Number Five

Watching an automatic cherry pitter race through enough cherries to make a pie.

Number Four

Receiving a pair of deep fried hush puppies with his seafood combo at Captain D's.

Number Three

The mere thought of a steely busting up a cluster of marbles inside the circle.

Number Two

The entire process of making sausage...from the meat grinding to the stuffing of the casings.

Number One

Watching his wife make a cup of tea by dipping a tea bag into a hot cup of water.

Tagged as: Brad Luna, Hillary Clinton, Human Rights Campaign, Larry Craig, Logo Democratic Forum, Nancy Grace, Tucker Carlson

Daniel DiRito | August 29, 2007 | 4:15 PM | link | Comments (0)
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August 27, 2007

At The Airport With Sen. Craig: Preparing For Takeoff genre: Gaylingual & Hip-Gnosis & Polispeak & Tongue-In-Cheek

Sen. Larry Craig

Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) recently plead guilty to disorderly conduct in relation to an incident in a men's restroom in a Minneapolis airport. According to the undercover policeman who made the arrest, Craig's behaviors were consistent with previously witnessed actions intended to solicit sex from the officer.

Craig's office released a statement indicating that the Senator erred in handling the situation without the benefit of legal counsel but that he had done so while hoping to quickly resolve what he characterized as a he said, he said misunderstanding.

Craig’s arrest occurred just after noon on June 11 at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. On Aug. 8, he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct in the Hennepin County District Court. He paid more than $500 in fines and fees, and a 10-day jail sentence was stayed. He also was given one year of probation with the court that began on Aug. 8.

A spokesman for Craig described the incident as a “he said/he said misunderstanding," and said the office would release a fuller statement later Monday afternoon.

According to the incident report, Sgt. Dave Karsnia was working as a plainclothes officer on June 11 investigating civilian complaints regarding sexual activity in the men’s public restroom in which Craig was arrested.

“At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot. I moved my foot up and down slowly. While this was occurring, the male in the stall to my right was still present. I could hear several unknown persons in the restroom that appeared to use the restroom for its intended use. The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area," the report states.

Craig then proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times, and Karsnia noted in his report that “I could ... see Craig had a gold ring on his ring finger as his hand was on my side of the stall divider."

Karsnia then held his police identification down by the floor so that Craig could see it.

Craig stated “that he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom and that his foot may have touched mine," the report states. Craig also told the arresting officer that he reached down with his right hand to pick up a piece of paper that was on the floor.

“It should be noted that there was not a piece of paper on the bathroom floor, nor did Craig pick up a piece of paper," the arresting officer said in the report.

Senator Craig has been a staunch supporter of an amendment to ban gay marriage and he is also opposed to the adoption of hate crimes legislation. He joins a growing list of Republicans, religious leaders, and social conservatives whose obsession with all things homosexual seems to suggest they possess a suspect and sullied set of values.

One need not be an expert on airport sexual encounters to be capable of interpreting suspicious behavior that is clearly of a sexually suggestive nature. Further, I'm sure the officer involved in the incident was well trained in identifying such actions.

Generally, I try to reserve my twisted humor and my occasional penchant for crude commentary for my closest friends...but this situation is a classic comic set up that simply demands a response.

As I read the Senator's explanation...the one that stated, "he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom", I have to admit the first thought which entered my mind was to wonder which way the Senators feet were pointing...and that of course led me to wonder if Mr. Craig may have improperly positioned himself on the toilet...you know...such that he was on the receiving end of things.

In defense of my illustrative imagery, the article did indicate that the Senator was being investigated for lewd conduct...I simply allowed my mind to fill in the blanks and embellish the scene.

Now if you'll excuse me...I need to wash my hands and jump in the shower...I'm feeling a little less wholesome all of a sudden.

Tagged as: Closeted, Hypocrisy, Idaho, Lewd Conduct, Senator Larry Craig

Daniel DiRito | August 27, 2007 | 6:28 PM | link | Comments (0)
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August 25, 2007

Mo Rocca On First Date, First Drink Impressions genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

I've always felt Mo Rocca was one of the most underrated comics in the business. Perhaps that's a function of my interest in politics and the fact that Rocca is as knowledgeable as most of the news reporters we see on television. Even better, his skill at deadpan comedy in a political setting is unmatched.

Rocca has covered a lot of territory in is career; having worked as a correspondent on The Daily Show, worked on Larry King Live as a consultant/political historian, and now as a feature player on The Tonight Show. He also appears on PBS, VH1, The Food Network, and has a regular show on Sirius Satellite Radio.

His work during the 2004 Democratic and Republican conventions is some of his best. Besides being quite funny, his knowledge of U.S. presidents is extensive and the fact that he wrote a book on the pets of the presidents titled, All the Presidents' Pets: The Inside Story of One Reporter Who Refused to Roll Over, only adds to his comic depth.

The following video clip is of Mo asking people on the street about which drink one should order on a first date and what that drink says about one's date. He gets some interesting answers and he does his best to "stir" things up.

Tagged as: Drinking, Humor, Mo Rocca

Daniel DiRito | August 25, 2007 | 9:03 AM | link | Comments (0)
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August 23, 2007

The Daily Show On "America To The Rescue" genre: Just Jihad & Polispeak & Tongue-In-Cheek

Jon Stewart gives viewers the rundown on the role the United States has played in arming the combatants in the Middle East and beyond...with billions of dollars worth of weaponry.

As he details the numerous occasions the U.S. has "come to the rescue", the viewer quickly realizes that we've played a game of musical chairs with the nations of the region...sometimes a country is our pal and they get billions of dollars...sometime later they aren't our pal so we give their enemies billions of dollars.

Once Stewart finishes pointing out the utter schizophrenia that has typified our foreign policy, he rhetorically asks where the money is for our infrastructure or for rebuilding hurricane ravaged cities...at which point no one comes to the rescue and the screen goes silent.

Sometime comedy tells a twisted tale...funny as it may be...tragic all the same.

H/T to Crooks and Liars

Tagged as: Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Jon Stewart, Middle East, The Daily Show

Daniel DiRito | August 23, 2007 | 11:18 PM | link | Comments (0)
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Understanding Iraq...One Analogy At A Time genre: Polispeak & Six Degrees of Speculation & Tongue-In-Cheek

Existential Angst

As I read the summaries of the latest National Intelligence Estimate, I found myself lacking for words to explain my ongoing frustration with the utter mismanagement and growing futility that seems to plague this misguided war in Iraq.

Instead of offering more of the same criticisms, I decided to make my commentary a creative and corny exercise in existential angst...thereby seeking to identify a few analogies that capture my feelings about this never ending war in Iraq. Feel free to share some of your own.

If Iraq were an orchestra, not only would the director's baton be broken, half of the musicians chairs would be empty, the ones at which musicians were seated would all have different sheet music on their stands, the auditorium would be dark due to a lack of electricity, and the audience would be fighting over the few bottles of water that are available from the concessionaires...who can neither speak the same language nor issue change in the same currency.

If Iraq were a Seinfeld episode, the animosity between Jerry and Newman would result in assassination attempts, Kramer and his assistant would never get the oil bladder to the window to drop on Jerry's former girlfriend...and if they did get it to the window, black market thugs would intercept it in order to sell it for a few extra bucks...long before it could land upon Jerry's former girlfriend, and Elaine would never need a case of sponges because Putty's putter wouldn't work anyway.

If Iraq were a football team, the coach's son would have been unfairly installed as the quarterback...only to have been subsequently voted off the team by his teammates...after which a majority click would then elect the inept kicker to replace the coach's son at quarterback. He would then attempt to drop kick his passes to his receivers...who would intentionally drop the ball to undermine the new quarterback because they belong to a minority click. When every drive therefore ended short of the red zone, he would mistakenly throw the ball through the uprights; resulting in a fifteen yard penalty and a loss of downs.

If the war in Iraq were an episode of Leave It To Beaver...it would be Voodoo Magic. In the program, the United States would be Wally, Iraq would be the Beaver, Iran would be The Rutherfords, Ward and June are the United Nations, and George Bush would be the inimitable Eddie Haskell.

In typical fashion, Eddie convinces Wally to go to a double feature movie on voodoo magic despite the objections of Ward and June. Wally listens to Eddie and drags the Beaver kicking and screaming into an ill-advised adventure that goes from bad to worse. The Beaver, angry at Eddie for creating a mess, places a curse on Eddie and spends the rest of the episode undermining the weaselly Eddie Haskell. Ward and June have to step in and manage the situation because Wally's had it with Eddie and the Beaver will have no part of Eddie's schemes.

If George Bush were Bill Gates and Iraq were an up and coming Fortune 100 company...well...in this case...that would be analogous to the rhyme, "If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride"...and that isn't gonna happen anytime soon.

Tagged as: Al-Maliki, Existentialism, George W. Bush, Iraq, Leave It to Beaver, National Intelligence Estimate, Sectarian Conflict, Seinfeld

Daniel DiRito | August 23, 2007 | 5:03 PM | link | Comments (0)
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August 15, 2007

The Daily Show On Logo's Democratic Forum genre: Gaylingual & Tongue-In-Cheek

Jon Stewart has some fun with the recent Democratic candidate forum on the Logo Network. The forum was sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign, an organization focused on LGBT issues.

The Daily Show pulls out all the stops to spoof the event...including what Jon calls The Most Immature Montage Ever...in which they splice the candidates words into a video clip loaded with gay sexual innuendo.

Tagged as: Human Rights Campaign, Jon Stewart, LGBT, Logo, The Daily Show

Daniel DiRito | August 15, 2007 | 3:03 PM | link | Comments (0)
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August 13, 2007

Colbert Report's The Word: Giuliani & Clarity genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Stephen Colbert explains to viewers that the Democrats lack the clarity which Rudy Giuliani offers when he speaks about America's battle with radical Islamic terrorists.

Colbert thinks the Democrats spend far too much time on details when attempting to define who our enemies are in the war on terror...often failing to realize that the broad brush strokes being used by Rudy Giuliani are far more effective.

As usual, Colbert carefully dissects and dismantles the fallacies found in Giuliani's argument with his sarcastic brand of satire.

Tagged as: 2008 Election, Colbert Report, Rudy Giuliani, Stephen Colbert, War On Terror

Daniel DiRito | August 13, 2007 | 9:48 PM | link | Comments (0)
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August 9, 2007

The Daily Show On The Romney Boys Sacrifice genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Jon Stewart offers his take on the recent effort of GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney to explain that while none of his five sons were serving in the military, they are serving their country by helping the former Governor win the presidency. Jon worries about the boys and how they will handle the trauma of paper cuts and the like.

Tagged as: 2008 Presidential Election, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, The Daily Show

Daniel DiRito | August 9, 2007 | 4:42 PM | link | Comments (0)
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August 5, 2007

Mo Rocca On Hillary: A Rack & A Laugh genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

Mo Rocca takes a few minutes and goes out on the streets to see what the public thinks about Hillary Clinton. In the first video clip, given the recent impression that Mrs. Clinton has begun to dress more feminine, Mo asks ordinary people if Senator Clinton should show more or less cleavage.

In the second clip, Mo is concerned that the Senator's laugh is a problem. He mentions the laughs of different individuals and asks people to pick the one they think Hillary should adopt. Rocca offers some unique laughs and he gets some interesting responses.

Hillary & A Rack

Hillary & Her Laugh

Tagged as: Hillary Clinton, Humor, Mo Rocca

Daniel DiRito | August 5, 2007 | 8:46 AM | link | Comments (0)
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August 2, 2007

Move Over Obama & Hillary Girl: Meet Brownback Girl genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

You've seen Obama Girl and Hillary Girl...but the best is yet to come...meet Brownback Girl.

The video is the work of The Wichita Eagle's Opinion page staff and it does a good job of spoofing the Kansas senator and his presidential candidacy. Kudos to the Eagle's staff in Kansas!

Brownback Girl

Tagged as: 2008 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Sam Brownback

Daniel DiRito | August 2, 2007 | 4:28 PM | link | Comments (0)
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Mo Rocca: Is Denver Ready For The 2008 Convention? genre: Tongue-In-Cheek & Video-Philes

I've always felt Mo Rocca was one of the most underrated comics in the business. Perhaps that's a function of my interest in politics and the fact that Rocca is as knowledgeable as most of the news reporters we see on television. Even better, his skill at deadpan comedy in a political setting is unmatched.

Rocca has covered a lot of territory in is career; having worked as a correspondent on The Daily Show, worked on Larry King Live as a consultant/political historian, and now as a feature player on The Tonight Show. He also appears on PBS, VH1, The Food Network, and has a regular show on Sirius Satellite Radio.

His work during the 2004 Democratic and Republican conventions is some of his best. Besides being quite funny, his knowledge of U.S. presidents is extensive and the fact that he wrote a book on the pets of the presidents titled, All the Presidents' Pets: The Inside Story of One Reporter Who Refused to Roll Over, only adds to his comic depth.

The following clip is from a recent visit to Denver to see how the city is preparing for the 2008 Democratic National Convention. If you've never seen Rocca, this clip will provide a small taste of his work.

Tagged as: 2008 Democratic National Convention, Mo Rocca, The Tonight Show

Daniel DiRito | August 2, 2007 | 3:18 PM | link | Comments (1)
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